Sign on the dotted line, Please

Big Sky

2010-08-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

We went on a road trip! Just the four of us, from Ellensburg, Washington to Bozeman, Montana in August.

Here are a few pictures with more to come...

We had a few REALLY fun car games (thanks to Logan) that made the car ride go by really easily. Both Kevin and Nolan were excellent travelers. They didn't ask, "Are we there yet?" until we were just 2 hours away from Bozeman! So I got to say, "Two more hours!" (that one's for you, Mom and Dad)

We experienced some rain, which was refreshing.

And made it to Montana!!!

Yellowstone National Park was one of the reasons we went. Man, was that day eventful. More about this and other adventures still to come!

Stay tuned or visit the boys' blog in the next couple of days to read about Letterboxing, Kevin's pictures, Nolan's pictures and other stories.

Montana Bound

2010-08-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

In two days I will be heading home to my boys. We will leave on Wednesday for a trip to Montana to see what we can see. ~ Logan and I have plans to open a resort lodge and we want to see if it is a place we can envision living and working. And, well, if we are ever going to go, now is the time. The boys start school soon and though we don't have "extra" money we think we can spare a little to make this trip. ~ We've never been on vacation to a destination other than "Gramma and Papa's" or "Nana and Papa's". We've never traveled those roads together or been in the car together for 10 hours. And we've never seen Bozeman or Missoula.

We will get to experience a lot of firsts together and I am VERY excited about that.

The boys will each be armed with a camera so I am excited to see what they think is important to get a snap shot of. We have road trip books for them and scrap books to fill up. We have car games planned and fun stops to make.

I can hardly wait!

Re-entry

2010-08-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write a new blog post for some time. In fact I commented to a friend this morning that a blog post would be one of my goals for the day. Of course my plans were hijacked by a migraine. So here I sit, staring at a blank post and wonder about what to write about.

If anyone reads this anymore I'll be surprised. I have been sporadic about it.

But I looked back on previous posts on this blog and the boys' blog. I managed to write down some very precious moments and some funny ones too. I've also made my opinion public by way of my blog and have been able to think through some religious things as well.

Well, our family is changing. Life is changing us. And I don't want to forget. So I'll start posting more often here rather than on Facebook. I'll also be posting on the boys' blog too. We are taking a family vacation soon so we want to use their blog to post about the trip. If you're reading this, look there after August 10th.

Checkin' in...

2010-06-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Exactly six months ago I wrote about home being where the heart is. I was preparing to join my family again after being separated for several weeks. It wasn't easy to be away from them, but we did it.

And now we are getting ready to do it again. The boys are moving to Ellensburg and I am staying in Portland to work (and to earn my C.D.A. credential).

See, here's where it could get tricky. There are a lot of really sad things that could bring us down about this, but God is up to something (and I have cried enough already). So while the ideal situation is not our situation, we know that where God is, good things happen.

Where The Heart Is

2009-12-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

When I set off for this adventure to Portland without my boys I didn’t know how it would all play out. Grateful for employment in a place where I would be with friends I anticipated being busy with work and social activities and even sort of felt excited to be “on my own” for a while. After all, if this was the way it would be I might as well make the best of it, right?

When I started my job I was “on call” meaning I could work 40 hours in the week or 10 and I would not know which. Thankfully I worked quite a bit, out of necessity for the center but also, I think, because they saw that they’d hired someone who was there to work and work hard. With so many hours at work I was not left with much time to sit idle, a blessing to be sure, because the first weekend away from my boys was very hard. I spent most of the weekend in tears and second-guessed our choice for me to be down there without them.

It is an interesting animal, loneliness. One can be surrounded by friends who are loving, and who you love and still feel lonely. This was a surprise to me. I had never experienced it before and my soul mate, my best friend, was busy taking care of our family in a different state. I couldn’t share it with him. I couldn’t just sit next to him and have him hold me through it. It was an awful feeling.

I’ve been able to go home throughout this experience, which is also a different kind of scenario all together. I remember the first time I went home. I was excited but knew that Logan had established a routine with the boys and I didn’t want to upset that. I was to be a visitor… a temporary presence, in the life of my husband and children… that was difficult to navigate. I didn’t want to rock the boat, but I am their Mom at the same time… It didn’t take long for me to realize that I didn’t fit there. And I didn’t quite fit in Portland without them. Suddenly this grand adventure became a survival experience. And I turned at first in the wrong direction… back to what was familiar before I had a husband and children because that was what I had known. And it was not healthy.

Oh, I didn’t see the bottom of a bottle of Jack or any silly thing like that. But how much does it take to turn one’s heart from God? Not much I imagine and loneliness became the norm. ~ It was so different. So hard. I was living with our dear friends the Russells. No one can ask for a more loving family to be a part of, though there are so many in the PUMP community. I felt welcome, comfortable, useful and loved… yet, lonely. What a paradox.

And one Sunday morning I woke up in prayer. I woke up asking God… Create a clean heart in me. Renew me. Cleanse me. Show me your way, God. This loneliness can’t be from you. This can’t be what you had in mind for me in this time away from my family. I’m yours.

Things changed after that. I became aware of just how much I should have relied on Him all along… I shake my head, thinking I should have known from the start, but Satan has a way of playing his game and I didn’t anticipate him being such a strong player. I am just so grateful that God is bigger and stronger and so forgiving. I am thankful that I can turn back to Him and immediately be next to The One who will fight for me.

My trips home have not been easy. I’m still not sure where I fit in with them yet. Logan is an amazing husband and father. He has a way with the boys that I didn’t recognize before. The boys are even less dependent on me now than they were before I left, which I keep telling myself is a good thing… And I have found a bit of my own way of doing things, found that some independence is satisfying… something I still wonder over whether it is okay or not.

Right now I am house sitting at Cash Mountain. It is beautiful. Quiet. Solitary. I have had a chance to think about the last several weeks while I sit in front of a crackling fire in a comfortable, cozy house. I wonder what the point of all of this has been. What is God up to in this? Well, this is what I know…

Jesus is still the most perfect man to have lived. His life and sacrifice are perfect partners because without one the other is pointless. The two together offer a kind of peace that is beyond human understanding. That this is freely offered to the world, to me, is unfathomable and it draws me to want to be everything He wants me to be. There is no loneliness when one stands in His peace.

I need Logan like a shadow needs light. I can be with the best of friends and have a good time, but I am only half as much as I can be without him next to me, in my life, every day. God has made us one flesh and I need to be next to him. This I would not have fully recognized without this time apart.

Our children will become more and more independent of us. So, we need to show them how important it is to be dependant on God, His grace and His peace. Every day.

On Christmas Eve I will go home for the last time. I have a one-way train ticket that pulls out of Portland at 8:30 that morning. We’ll spend Christmas together and every day after that. ~ That is eleven days away and I can hardly wait!

We’ll find a new normal in Portland, I’m sure. Many things will be different. Some things will be the same. I will still have a loving husband and wonderful children (and a cute dog). God will still be forgiving and faithful.

Everything else… is just details.

2009-11-09T20:52:00.000-08:00

Five years ago, just after 11pm, Nolan Keith Crumrine was born into this world. And from the beginning we knew he would be different from Kevin. He was a very laid back baby, loving his swing and preferring to go to sleep on his own... Yes, different might be mild in contrast to Kevin. Opposite is more like it.

When Nolan was six weeks old he was in the hospital with a severe case of RSV. I think I need to put this in here for myself more than for others. I don't want to forget this time because it means that I won't forget God's leading in our lives when we were so worried for him, or our family and friends who surrounded us when we prayed for him, or how much we cherished each breath he took, every smile he gave... and that he survived.

I don't remember when this was taken. But this is my grandpa (one of them). I love this picture. My grandpa had hands that were well worn by work and living. But they turned soft and loving when he held his grand babies. Nolan was one. ~ This is the only picture I have of them so close together.

Warping what feels like lightyears from then until now...

Nolan is five today. He is beginning to read and write. He loves playing Lego Starwars and digging in the dirt. He is intelligent, loving, imaginative, considerate, introverted and musical. He loves to sing.

There is no one else on earth like my sweet boy. I don't know what the future holds for him but I know it will be blessed by God and we will be blessed to have him in our lives.

I love you Nolan! Happy Birthday, my love!

Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend!

2009-10-14T21:59:00.001-07:00

Last weekend we got to go to Portland. And we had a BLAST!

On Friday we tried to go to the zoo but it was so crazy busy that we couldn't find a parking spot... even after 25 minutes of driving around the lot. So we decided to go back on Saturday.

But not before the boys and I went and walked on "Caiti's Crew!" in the Light the Night Walk.

TONS of Caitlin's family were there, as were PUMP Church people and friends of the family. It was a wonderful way to celebrate Caiti and her continually amazing progress in the right direction with the Leukemia she is fighting. It was also a strong reminder that there are people every day who still fight for their lives, and some that loose it to Leukemia or Lymphoma. ~ I will walk for Light the Night every year that I am able. I cannot think of a more worthy cause.

The boys went with me at the last minute. I'm glad they did.

They got to be part of Caiti's Crew which was 65+ people strong. (I would post a picture of Caiti, but I didn't get a good one of her.)

Caitlin is doing well. You can read about her journey by clicking here.

On Saturday afternoon we went to Heritage Farms with the Russells and did a little playing around. A hay maze, a bouncy apple house... thing, a hay ride and a honey crisp apple later we were all exhausted and headed home for dinner and bed time.

But we got some great pictures in the process. Here are a couple.

Saturday morning, though the four of us went back to the Zoo to try to get a parking spot and scored BIG. We had an absolute BLAST! We had a great time together, got to see the new Predators of the Serengeti exhibit which was WONDERFUL and generally had a REALLY great experience. Even ZaZa got to go and posed for a picture with one of the lion statues.

Then on Sunday Logan led worship at PUMP which was also a great experience so we basically had a GREAT weekend on all counts.

Russells, thanks again for opening your home to us.

Gettin' In Gear

2009-10-14T17:09:00.001-07:00

Well, I start a new job next Wednesday. I'll be working for First Gear Academy which is a day care under the Knowledge Learning Corporation. It's pretty much the ideal job to be going back into day care for (and since day care wasn't my first choice you can imagine that it would have to be a pretty sweet deal). Not only is the center brand new and state of the art, but I am being offered fantastic pay and benefits.

There's gotta be a catch, right?

Right.

It's not enough for our whole family to move to Portland on. So I'm going down ahead of the family and beginning work while they stay here. Kevin is established in school and Nolan will enjoy time with Logan. Logan will continue to look for work in the Portland metro area and we will work on getting the boys down to PDX as soon as possible. ~ It sucks. But it's the best of two difficult options at this point.

So we are investing in a web cam and plan to have our family time over the world wide web. I plan to read books to the boys over the web cam, we'll still do our Bible and prayer time over the net, and basically be able to check in with each other and even maybe hang out a little... sort of... We are basically trying to make the best of it... and if it becomes unbearable or is simply not working, we will re-evaluate it.

So all of that being said, I can say that I am pretty excited about simply having a job.

One question I get a lot is, "Where will you live?" Answer: Tim and Cheryl Russell have graciously offered me a place to lay my head and feel at home. I will take them up on it and be staying with them for a time. "Thank you" really doesn't express my gratitude, but it will have to do for now.

The other question I get a lot is, "What will you do if Logan gets a job somewhere else?" Answer: I go where he goes. If he gets a job in some other town I will go too. It's that easy. But we are hoping that he is able to find something in the Portland area (Vancouver, Gresham, Beaverton, Oregon City are all acceptable places as well).

Friends and family, many of you have prayed for us for a VERY long time. Thank you for that. Please, we still covet your prayers for us. Please pray for Logan to find a job, for Kevin to continue to do well in school and for Nolan to continue to thrive.

Peace to your house.

Grated

2009-10-03T23:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I have done it again. I've managed to turn a relatively harmless kitchen utensil into a blood thirsty harbinger of pain and destruction.

In the kitchen of the house where we currently reside, lives a brand new cheese grater. It is marvelous for grating cheese quickly because it is sharp.

Very. Sharp.

So sharp, in fact that one should not blink while using it. That was my mistake today. The cheese I had in my hand turned in my fingers as I pushed down on it and the grater and I managed to grate the end of my thumb... off.

Gone. My thumb curves around up nicely from my palm to the nuckle to the base of the nail and up to the tip like normal and then... flat. Gone.

In an instant my thumb was bleeding like nothing I've ever experienced before. And it didn't stop bleeding for quite some time. Two soaked pressure bandages and some hours later it managed to stop and now it's wrapped up nicely so I can try to get some sleep.

Logan has been a tremendous help and even Kevin has too. He has been a great helper for me and coached me through Logan taking the first bandage off, "Grit your teeth, mom.... keep breathin' mom... ohhhh that's a good one mom... look at all that blood dad... don't look mom, you don't want to see it..."

The moral of this story... Beware of the Cheese Grater!

Things I have learned in the last three days...

2009-09-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

That walking away from the computer and email for two days is not greater than or equal to the world falling down around one's ears.

One's self image can be corrected with a full length mirror and a good light.

That yelling at one's kids is neither helpful or healthy.

Luna was right, "No matter where it is, home is a wonderful place."

The whole of one's meaningful worldly possessions really can fit in one bag...

...and that a good bag will have at least one good Post-It pocket.

One cannot catch up on sleep.

And...

Grape vines are a wonderful metaphor for the way Jesus grows, or wants to grow in one's life. The vines are deeply rooted and reach all the way through the branches, curling and intertwining itself to make it stronger.

Moving, A Kind of Testimony

2009-08-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

Four years ago, when we moved to Portland, we promised ourselves that we would never make a decision about where we lived based on the church in the area. Having gone through some difficulties and learning some hard lessons we thought that was a good decision... a wise choice. - We didn't realize we were challenging God.

We have learned what it means to be Christians at PUMP... how to trust God, how to love people unconditionally, how to worship without shame, how to invite people to Jesus' banquet table, how to see that God is alive and active in this world...

So less than a year ago when Cascade announced it's closing there was one thing we talked about that night... we love PUMP church and want to stay in Portland. And for the last several months the concentration of our job search has been in PDX. But the economy is what it is, and to date, there have been only "Thanks but no thanks" letters and a quiet phone.

Where do we go from here? Further into God's plan for us. And right now we know that He is providing for us the way He always has. We are blessed to have two sets of parents who have opened their homes to us. And we find ourselves humbly accepting... a little puzzled at the fact that it is so far away from PUMP... but trusting that God knows what we need, both physically and spiritually.

So on Monday morning we will roll out of Portland for a time, we pray, and head to live with my parents in Marysville, WA. Anyone who knows my parents and has been to their house knows that they are empty nesters... sort of. - When they moved into that house they had a dedication party. The house was prayed over and promised to be a place where God would be glorified and family and friends would be welcome. And that is what it has been. So it's our turn to occupy the Casparek basement, to enjoy the blessings God has given to them, and to see what God has in store for us next. We pray every day... sometimes every hour, sometimes every minute... that God will open doors for us in Portland... because we love PUMP and the impact we are making on Northeast Portland, and on each other. (God showed us, didn't He?)

One thing we have learned is that God goes before us, is with us, and looks forward to us realizing He was there all the time. That he really was, is and always will be... So while we aren't waiting for work to fall from the sky, we are trusting in Him, that He guides our hearts and so He guides our decisions.

We have learned a lot and look forward to this new adventure for our family.

Oh Joy!

2009-07-18T15:03:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a good day.

New purse.

New wallet.

New planner.

New Post-Its.

Missing You

2009-07-15T12:33:00.001-07:00

We missed you on Saturday. Jordan and Andrea got married, but you already know that don't you? Andrea was beautiful and Jordan was so handsome and "grown up". - I've only ever known Andrea as an adult so maybe that's why I was so giggly about my "little cousin" getting married. And to even see him dancing... what a sight!

When the grandparents were seated, I thought of you. But I thought you would be happy that Mr. and Mrs. Green sat in your place. ~ When Jack stood up at the front to welcome the bride and groom into the circle of matrimony I thought of you. I thought of my wedding and your place there, and I missed you here. ~ And when the M.C. talked about the quilt that was passed down through generations for the new Crofts, I thought of you. ~ When I looked around at all of our families that were there, all of the grandparents in our family now and the new generations getting their "good clothes" all grassy, arm wrestling at our feet and throwing rocks in the fountain... I thought of you. How you would have liked to see the incredible arrangements on the tables, Andrea's bouquet and the boutonnieres. Mom and Janie crafted the flowers, they were beautiful.

When I drove by your old house on Everson Goshen Road, I thought of you... I couldn't tell if the little play house was still there without going into the yard. And I didn't think the owners would appreciate a grown woman milling around on their property... looking starry eyed with memory and emotion. So I just imagined that it's still there and spent some time enveloped in memories... of playing soft ball with Leonard, motorcycle rides with Neal, tea and crackers in the play house, picnic lunches in the woods, picking and eating the blackberries in the woods...

I don't know when I'll be back up that way, but I do know that I love thinking about you.

...on my birthday...

2009-06-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well... I'm 31.

Super.

Snap-Shot-Thoughts

2009-06-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

This day has gone by with break neck speed. Now, I sit in a quiet house, catching my breath and preparing my mind for the week. Here are some snap-shot-thoughts from the day and about the coming week...

Reading the Bible has not been a priority for me lately. I find myself feeling remorseful for that.

There are only 24 hours in each day. No more. No less. Sitting idle is not an option.

I miss Fiona already.

Today is Father's Day. I love my Dad, my Father In Law and my Husband because they are men who choose to seek God and show my boys how to seek God.

I am struck with peace when I step out of my house and look at the garden I built with my mom this weekend.

Controlling my tongue comes with more challenges than I anticipated.

Sitting Outside on a Warm Spring Evening

2009-05-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

It's hard to describe the feeling of freedom I've been experiencing over the last couple of weeks. And if you've never been a Residence Director or maybe an apartment manager or worked in a job that required your residence to be your place of employment, you may not understand the kind of freedom I am talking about.

See, for the last four years as we've worked as RDs we've experienced a sort of... bondage... though that's not the best word for it, I can't think of a better one right now. While students were on campus there was always an expectation that we would be available no matter what time of the day or night. And to some degree that was true. So it caused me to feel like if I didn't want to talk to anyone (who doesn't have those days?) or if we were ill or just needing a reprieve we would have to shut ourselves up in our house. And even with the blinds closed, the door shut and the lights off, there were still bound to be students who came to our door for one thing or another. Seriously, sometimes even going from our front door to the car was tricky. Sometimes it seemed as if they were watching from their dorms to see when we would go outside (or wait in the lobby in York Landreth as the case was for three years) and then make a bee line for us.

Now granted, when we had a student come to our door with his head split open because he pushed the bunk bed above him off of the pegs, that was a legitimate need. But, really, it's not my problem that you've forgotten your key at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Okay, back to the freedom part.

This evening I am feeling sort of tired, and it's been around 87 degrees today in Portland. Not a dry heat like we enjoyed last weekend in Ellensburg. I don't feel like doing much. So I made a cup of herb tea (mom will be happy about that) and am currently sitting outside in my garden chair next to my fuchsias and petunias, blogging about the experience and enjoying the cool breeze the... hum of the freeway... and... the sirens... Hm, now that I pay attention to the sounds, it's not so peaceful, but that's not the point. The point is that I can sit outside with a cup of tea and my dog at my feet and enjoy the freedom of being outside without feeling obligated in any way to socialize or take care of any sort of issue.

It's nice.

Cutest Blog On The Block

2009-04-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

I tried to add a back ground from this website, but I think you may have to pay for the back ground to be able to keep it. Maybe it's designed to expire, causing you to go back to the site... or maybe just get frustrated and take the darn thing back off of your blog and go back to a pre-designed template from blogger.

Either way, I'm settled on this background for now. I'd like to find a cool, cute, modern background for my blog, but doing that is at the bottom of my to do list and I'm not willing to pay for it at this time.

So, here you go... for the three readers that keep up with my blog. :)

Technical Difficulties

2009-03-31T08:48:00.003-07:00

Please excuse the naked nature of my blog. I had a cool background added but it disappeared. I'm not sure what I did wrong or whether it was just a temporary one...

How are ya?

2009-03-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Lately when someone asks me how "things" are going, I find myself somewhere between the cordial, "We're great. Everything is fine," and "Do you have a couple of hours?" I mean, really, we are looking for work which is compounded by finding (and paying for) a new place to live, my best friend is moving to Texas (with blessings), our church is navigating a significant spiritual awakening (which we don't want to move away from) and Logan and I are trying to get healthy (just thought I would interject one more parenthesis statement). - Don't get me wrong, there is peace among all of these things. God is showing his provision for us daily and I don't doubt that something will work out for us in the long run. He has always been faithful to us despite our human-ness. But my point is that I don't really know what to say to someone who says, "How are you?"

That's all.

Dwelling in the Word

2009-02-16T22:42:00.000-08:00

This is what I've been dwelling on lately...

"Immediately after this, Jesus made his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake while he sent the people home. Afterward he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.

Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves.

About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him, they screamed in terror, thinking he was a ghost. But Jesus spoke to them at once. "It's all right," he said. "I am here! Don't be afraid."

Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you by walking on water."

"All right, come," Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he looked around at the high waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" he shouted.

Instantly Jesus reached out his hand and grabbed him. "You don't have much faith," Jesus said, "Why did you doubt me?" And when they climbed back into the boat the wind stopped.

Then the disciples worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" they exclaimed.

A few thoughts and questions that have been going through my mind about this...

-Do you think Jesus walked on water to prove his sovereignty over it or out of convenience? He'd had a hard few days: he was rejected in his home town, his cousin was beheaded, he'd just finished feeding thousands of people and then went and prayed all night... Do you think maybe he was tired?

-Jesus' response to Peter was "instant" but Peter never answered Jesus' question.

-I have had some "get out of the boat and trust me" events in the past year. I desire so deeply to be able to keep my eyes on Jesus and not notice the waves.

2009-02-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

Some months in review...

October, 2008

We played in a huge pile of leaves right outside our apartment.

Nolan turned 4 on November 9th. Kevin turned 6 on November 16th. For both we had a small party at home with some of the boys' student-friends. It was fun to see everyone watch "Kung Fu Panda" and "Star Wars" and visit with the boys.

We had Thanksgiving at my Mom and Dad's house, and set up some Christmas decor to take some pictures for cards. It was so nice to spend time with the family. There was a LOT of laughter and good time together.

Kevin...

... and Nolan fell in love with Light Brite at Gramma and Papa's house.

We added a little one to our family.

This is Chukha (chooka).

And played in the snow a LOT.

We got to spend Christmas with Grammi, which was a lot of fun too.

And, this is my favorite picture right now.

Not pictured here are the events of the last few weeks: helping friends move into their new house, shopping (yes, I said shopping), time with good friends and the transformation that PUMP is under, along with other events on campus and in the Portland area. I hope to blog more soon, but life is busy.

2009-01-19T14:53:00.000-08:00

There are several drafts in my dashboard about various things that I want to formulate and post, but life is busy and my connection is slow so the motivation to sit and wait for pictures to upload or spending the time at the computer to get it all written down is just not there.

Since I posted last there are several events that have taken place that have struck my heart or my mind in a way that causes me to feel differently about people and places. Even my self image and esteem have changed in ways that is difficult to express. Work is different, church is different, changing and exciting, home is steady and peaceful and health is tumultuous at best.

Through all of it there is a truth that never ceases to prove itself over and over again: Jesus Christ is the Messiah, my Savior, the one perfect man that I can count on... the one the men in my life try to be like, the one my sons learn about, the one I lean so heavily upon. God has always and will always provide for our family... in a way that carries no monetary value... which I think is the kind of provision He wants us to be focused on.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.

Lydia's Sisters

2008-11-19T15:30:00.001-08:00

I am contributing to a new blog designed to be an online bible study tool for women. It's called "Lydia's Sisters".

Check it out.

A moment with Fiona...

2008-11-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

"What cha doin'?" Fiona asked me this morning.

"I'm cleaning up," I reply.

"No, what cha doin' in a pinsess 'ess?" she asks pointing to our wedding photo with her cute little lithp.

I pick her up to get a closer look.

"Oh!.. A pitty pinsess 'ess!" she says, "What's this?"

"That is the day Mr. Logan and I got married. We belong to each other."

"Who is that?" she asks pointing to a two year old Kaytlyn, now 10.

"That is 'Tata', Kevin and Nolan's cousin. And that is Caden, our friend."

"Tata... Caden... that's your Logan."

"That's my Logan."

"Pitty dess."

"Thank you."

"'eckom"

Thank you, my sweet Fiona, for sharing a moment in memories with me. I was a princess that day... and still feel like a princess. My prince... my Logan... is the love of my life... my knight.

Lord, bless our little girls as they grow... that they may become women of faith and faithfulness... that their knights may be servants of the one true King... that they would find bliss in belonging to each other... and you.

Cascade

2008-10-31T00:12:00.000-07:00

I have debated about writing about the recent news from Cascade. Blogs and comment boards everywhere in our community are saturated with reactions to the news. It is true, some people are not bitter, but so many are and it makes me sad.

I hear words of anger, disbelief, mistrust and misunderstanding. I want to say, "But if you only knew..." and explain how hard it was to watch men who could barely speak through their tears when they told staff and faculty, to see the broken hearts and hear the explanation of how the pain-staking decision was made. I want to tell people that this terminal diagnosis has been delayed because remarkable and loving people have been performing financial CPR on a situation that began to give out years ago... that telling churches in the area about the difficulty would not really have helped... not in the long run.

I feel hurt when I hear people say how angry they are... as if anyone had any other possible choice to make... I want to say that it would be like dumping money into trying to fix a car except the only parts you can find are the wrong parts. But you are determined to keep it running because it used to be your best friend's car and so you spend money... on the wrong parts. - It feels like they are angry at people like me, who have accepted this end, even though it is so sad. I am made to feel like some sort of traitor because I don't intend to jump on the "Save-Our-School" band wagon. - That is hurtful. And so I walk away... because I don't think they would hear me anyway.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander,

along with every form of malice."

Ephesians 4:31

I feel ashamed when I hear brothers and sisters in Christ using defeatist and hateful words . How in the world can we pretend to know what it was like in that board room, sitting among a group of people who wanted to see Cascade survive... knowing that there was only one choice to make... but no one wanted to make it? How can you assume the people who made those decisions are cold and pious people?

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen."

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

That Cascade is closing its doors is sad, this is certain. The ripple effect will be far reaching. Things will not be the same. - But to say that God's kingdom will be considerably and negatively affected by it is both faulty thinking and shameful. The Lord will not see His people lost in this.

"Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

Hebrews 13: 7&8

"Everyone grieves differently," my friend says. She is right. And people are grieving. I understand this.

And so I make one request, to those who are grieving, who are peaceful, who are angry, who are hurt, who are searching for answers or making decisions about jobs and schools...

Please, please do not forget what we are and who we stand for.

Back on track

2008-10-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

There isn't a limp in my walk any more. In fact I remember the day I noticed that I wasn't limping, walking confidently and without pain. It was a pretty emotional realization and I shared it with Suzy and Logan, tears and all. That was at the beginning of the summer... in late June. I had been working out 5 days a week for about 8 weeks or so.

Now more than 30 weeks into my work outs, even with some off weeks and screwy weeks I still do not limp. This is the goal that I began working out for. I was angry with the doctors for not being able to even name the pain I had been suffering with since Kevin was born, and decided to take it into my own hands. This is something I have realized I should have done several years before, but just wasn't in that place of personal honesty - to tell myself I could actually do something about how I was feeling and that I didn't need to rely on doctors to fix it.

There was no magic pill. And there still isn't.

So my hip is doing 100% better. With regular exercise and good stretching I have hip-pain-free days. So what's the problem here? More than 30 weeks in and I am gaining weight?! I spent the last couple of days feeling sorry for myself about this and pondering how I've gotten so far off track. But now I'm just plain irritated. I think a medicine that I am taking to ward off Fibromyalgia pain is contributing to the weight gain, but I'm also rather sure that lack of consistent calorie counting and exercise is also contributing to it. So, once again, I take my life in my own hands (and sharing life-changing-motivation with Kristi) I will do something about it.

The God-factor in this should not be ignored. About 12 weeks in on this adventure I was doing great, I was super committed and strengthened each day with the belief that God was all wrapped up in my success. Well, I still believe God is all wrapped up in this. I am the one that has lost focus. And so once again I lift my head up and see that He is there, waiting for me to follow him on this path again.

I love you Lord; you are my strength.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;

my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my strong hold.

part of Psalm 18

An Old Friend

2008-10-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

I scampered up the little metal steps excitedly and there she was, washing dishes. The sound of the water pump whirring and the clank of the metal sink with the utensils was comfortingly familiar. Directly to my right, the carpeted steps up to the bed. In front of me, the cream and brown striped couch-bed. To my left, the kitchen fit for one person with a table and two cushiony bench seats set for four. Out of the miniature refrigerator/freezer came the ice cream, chocolate sauce and freshly ground walnuts. The perfect treat for "a break". The whole place smelled like their home on Orchard Avenue in Grand Junction. They had brought their home to us, for a visit and most excitedly, a sleep over.

After our break I knitted with her and followed him around. There were wash cloths to make or sweaters to finish and leveling to do, anchoring to put into place or a truck to turn around... and around... and around. And after all of that and dinner we would fold down the couch-bed and get ready for the sleep over... of course, after we watched "Dallas".

Then my old friend would appear, soft and snugly, smelling of fabric softener mixed with their home. Memories and feelings would flood my mind and my heart and I would feel that peaceful contentedness. Being with family, being warm, being comfortable.

That was so long ago...

I remember sleep overs as young as 5 years old... and my friend was there with me every time. So when they were no more and new places were found for the things from their home, I took my friend to live with me and until yesterday it was with me in my home... through moves, new life, life lost, life lived and remembered I have had my friend by my side. A comfort really, nothing extravagant or extraordinary... just comfort.

But my old friend is worn and weary. I have loved all of the comfort out of it and it is beginning to come apart. So I have washed it and folded it and tucked it away in a place of rest and protection so that it doesn't fade away completely. - I have been surprisingly emotional about putting my old friend away. It has wrapped my shoulders in warmth and security in many different things in life, provided comfort in it's silky folds and even comfort to ill babies... because it smelled of fabric softener and home.

I'm sure I will take it out from time to time... to remember life lived, loved and lost... to think about Grandmother and Grandpa, the home they brought to us, and the memories we shared... remembering and missing... and loving. In silky peace and comfort and warmth.

"...and they will see me there."

2008-10-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

Matthew 28

1 Early on Sunday morning, as the new day was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went out to visit the tomb.

2 Suddenly there was a great earthquake! For an angel of the Lord came down from heaven, rolled aside the stone, and sat on it. 3 His face shone like lightning, and his clothing was as white as snow. 4 The guards shook with fear when they saw him, and they fell into a dead faint.

5 Then the angel spoke to the women. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I know you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying. 7 And now, go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and he is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there. Remember what I have told you.”

8 The women ran quickly from the tomb. They were very frightened but also filled with great joy, and they rushed to give the disciples the angel’s message. 9 And as they went, Jesus met them and greeted them. And they ran to him, grasped his feet, and worshiped him. 10 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t be afraid! Go tell my brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see me there.”

Can you imagine being Mary Magdalene or Mary? What an experience, to be the first people who Jesus spoke to after His resurrection! I think I would fall down at His feet too. My heart races as I imagine being there, in the presence of the risen LORD! And what an important message they carried. They went to tell the apostles where Jesus would meet them. It's probably a good thing that the angel and Jesus both told them where to meet because I tend to think in the middle of all of that I might not remember the meeting place, having witnessed Christ moving about as if nothing had happened to him and all...

Jesus said, "... Go tell my brothers to leave for Galilee, and they will see me there." They were discouraged, grieving people but Jesus was going to be able to show them this time that prophesy had been fulfilled (and hopefully they would finally get it). Everything that he had taught about had come to fruition and that meant that the apostles' mission was just beginning.

Brent spoke at church today about this part of Jesus' story. I'm glad he did. I found meaning in what he said. My walk-away-thought from his lesson today is that we are not done yet. There are a few things that are changing at PUMP, and change can be uncomfortable in many ways. But Brent reminded us today that our mission and our purpose remain the same. In fact, our work is just beginning. ~ I can think of several people who I hope found encouragement in that today as I did.

Thanks, Brent!

What a game!

2008-10-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

I don't watch or understand most of the things that happen in a football game. I like to spend time with the people I know who like it so I ask questions about why things happen and about the rules, but left to my own devices I would not necessarily choose to watch football. Personally football ranks right under golf for the most boring sports to watch (sorry football fans). Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to nap on the couch while it's on. But the game that just ended between Chicago and Atlanta was pretty amazing. Chicago came back and made a touch down with 11 seconds left in the fourth quarter leaving the game at Chicago 20 / Atlanta 19. Just when you think the game is over, with 11 seconds Atlanta both made a long play that landed them halfway to the goal posts AND with 1 second left made a 48 yard kicking attempt and made it!

That was pretty darn amazing whether you like football or not.

Obedience School

2008-10-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

I was invited to contribute to a new blog. Check it out.

Say It's So!

2008-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

I heard on the radio yesterday that Jonny Depp just signed to do a fourth "Pirates". Please say it is true!!

Dwelling in the Word

2008-09-17T07:29:00.001-07:00

This morning while reading the scripture PUMP is dwelling in Kevin came up to me and asked what was wrong. I was probably frowning, something that happens when I concentrate, though I was not in a frowny mood. I showed him that I was reading the Bible and he asked why I wasn't saying anything. So I read the scripture to him. 2 Corinthians 4. All of it. And he sat and listened intently.

Afterwards he asked why God gives us death when He gives us life. I interpreted that to mean that he was asking about verse 10 that says, "We always carry around in our bodies the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies..." So I explained that it means that we always carry in our minds, or remember all the time, that Jesus died for us and that gives us the chance to have the life of Jesus in our mind all the time so that people know that we love him and he loves us. - Kevin understood better at that point. It was neat to watch him make that connection.

It is wonderful to see God working and moving in our family.

In Twitter Fashion

2008-09-08T15:41:00.001-07:00

Writing in Twitter fashion. Busy is an understatement.

Update:

-Made it through August without loosing my mind... mostly.

-Getting back into work outs. Mom suggested counting this as week 20 instead of week 1. Good advice not to ignore work already accomplished.

-Hubby and boys are great, minus the head-wound Kevin got from the corner of the tampon dispenser in the Library bathroom. OUCH buddy!!

-Week 20 Day 1: Water Aerobics w/a chick who has to read notes off of 3x5 cards to direct the class... Thinking about applying to teach the class myself.

-Spent $100 on new shoes instead of $10.00 to go to the doc + countless $$ for unnecessary P.T. for plantar faceitis. - It's true.

-Celebrating 8 years married to my only love, Tomorrow!

-Excited to see what God has in store for family, friends and PUMP. God is good!

35 minutes to leave time for the evening. Gotta get going. - Love you all!!

From His Lips

2008-07-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

When the soldier came to Jesus and begged Him to heal his servant He was amazed by the soldiers confidence in His words. "... You only need to command it, and my servant will be healed." And He healed the man's servant.

When the waves came up on the lake and the followers cried out to the Lord to save them, interrupted by their unfaithfulness, he spoke to the wind and "... it became completely calm."

Let all that I am praise the Lord.

O Lord my God, how great you are!

You are robed with honor and majesty.

2 You are dressed in a robe of light.

You stretch out the starry curtain of the heavens;

3 you lay out the rafters of your home in the rain clouds.

You make the clouds your chariot;

you ride upon the wings of the wind.

4 The winds are your messengers;

flames of fire are your servants.

May the glory of the Lord continue forever!
The Lord takes pleasure in all he has made!
32 The earth trembles at his glance;
the mountains smoke at his touch.

33 I will sing to the Lord as long as I live.
I will praise my God to my last breath!

(parts of Psalm 104)

When Jesus prayed for His followers He called on the power of God's very name to keep them safe and asks, "Make them ready for your service through your truth; your teaching is truth." The words of God hold all power and authority.

The psalmist says that the authority of God is found in the sky, the clouds, the wind, the stars, fire and light. The soldier found the authority in the words of Jesus, literally that He could speak healing. The followers on the boat watched the authority of God when Jesus spoke to the wind and the water became calm. They saw the power of the words of Jesus.

How is Jesus revealing his authority to you?

Is His authority as real to you as it was to the soldier?

Don't give the bible class answer, that we have His authority in the Bible. While that is true, I don't believe that it is the only way God shows Himself to us. ~ One of the greatest mistakes we make is thinking that God is not active in our world because the Bible has a back cover.

Busy, An Understatement

2008-07-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

You could say that life has been busy lately. This is one of the busy parts of the year which is punctuated by a couple of events that I didn't anticipate a month ago and so my attention can only be spent on the things that matter. - Luckily I've been able to find time to tend some of the roses on campus which I thoroughly enjoyed doing with my mom last week when they came to visit. (I love my mom and dad!) - There has been one fun trip to the swimming pool so far with one planned for Friday. - Singing with eP is always a pleasurable experience and I get to do it three evenings next week! - Spending time with my friend Suzy. - A trip to Mount Saint Helens. What a day! - PSP. - My Miss Nona. - And my best friend, Logan. - Sparklers with the boys. - Kung Fu Panda (Hilarious!). - Working out (this is week 14).

Then there's life: work, packing to move across campus, work, cleaning and work.

For a brief moment I forgot that it is an election year. That was a truly blissful moment.

Right now, I'm blogging when I should be folding laundry. There are two loads in the dryers, one in the washer, two on my couch and I have to get it done tonight because they tomorrow are taking out the units we have downstairs so they can be replaced. 6am is going to come very soon. My friend Kristi and Logan both posted on the choices people make. I am busy. This is true. So I make the choice to be un-busy at some point in each day, to give my undivided attention to each of my three boys for a while. That is the second most important thing of the day. The first is checkin' in with God; in prayer, in scripture and believe it or not in my work outs. - The rest are details... that keep me busy for the rest of the 18 waking hours a day.

On Turning 30

2008-06-29T16:49:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it's hard for me to be comfortable when attention is directed at me for nearly any reason. Okay, so it's hard for me all the time. But this year I turned 30 and that's a big deal and so my family and friends celebrated with me at two different times. There's really no way to describe how much those events meant to me, but to all of those who were there or sent well wishes, THANK YOU!

So what do I say about turning 30?

BRING IT ON!!

2008-06-22T14:08:00.001-07:00

This is week 12. I have been on a work out program for 11 weeks so far and this is week 12 for me. When I decided to start working out it was not necessarily for fantastic weight loss results. I have a problem with my right hip and I have Fibromyalgia and I had to do something about it. I didn't have energy to take my kids outside and when we did get outside I was too tired or in too much pain to push the swing or help them on the monkey bars. And the idea of going on a hike or on an outing of some sort was out of the question. That is not what I want my life to be like with my boys. So I prayed, God, I can't do this for the rest of my life. I have to do better, be better. I have to be able to have a good time with my kids. This is the age that I have been looking forward to with them and it is slipping out of my hands! The doctors aren't helpful, they treat me like a hypochondriac so I'm going to have to do it independent of them, but I need your help. Oh God, I need your help.

And then my mom gave me the perfect book (of course). It is by a woman who lost 200 pounds on her own. So following her recommendations and being committed in prayer, five days a week, rain or shine, feeling great or feeling crummy I work out for 30 minutes at home on a mini trampoline or I go to water aerobics for an hour.

Eleven weeks later I can not only push the swing but I can do under-dogs. That would have been out of the question weeks ago. And last week I had a few extra kids for a while so we went to the playground. I pushed the merry go round. Let me say that again: I can do under-dogs and push the merry go round in the same day! - That is why I work out!

I debated whether to post this little testimony. It seems like every time I make my intentions for better health known to others they are thwarted by one thing or another. But I have to because the glory needs to go to God. I know He gives me the "oomph" to get up out of bed in the morning and get going on the trampoline, or to make the decision to take time for myself and go to water aerobics. He strengthens me in the moments when I react poorly to the stresses of life. He blesses me with a supportive family and network of friends.

There is the added bonus of loosing 6 inches and about 5 pounds, but the greatest result is that I have less pain and more energy. Every day I work out, I feel good that day. I see daily results and I can daily give glory to The LORD for answering my desperate cry for help. My friend recently sent me this scripture and it is not only a wonderful encouragement but a fitting description of my feelings on this journey...

Psalm 121

1 "I look up to the hills,

but where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not let you be defeated.

He who guards you never sleeps.

4 He who guards Israel

never rests or sleeps.

5 The Lord guards you.

The Lord is the shade that protects you from the sun.

6 The sun cannot hurt you during the day,

and the moon cannot hurt you at night.

7 The Lord will protect you from all dangers;

he will guard your life.

8 The Lord will guard you as you come and go,

both now and forever."

Thank you LORD!

The Scarlet Thread

2008-06-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

If ever there was a woman who knows my heart on the deepest levels it is my mother. I have thought for a long time that my aunt Janie new me better than my mother but I know now that it is my mother who knows me best and my aunt because she shares a grandma rights with my mother and that they are best friends and talk about everything including me.

My mom has recommended several books to me, all but two I have read, and all of the ones I have read I have been affected by. "The Scarlet Thread" is one of them. Francine Rivers writes the inner dialogue for her characters the way I hear my own inner dialogue (is that T.M.I.?) It is because of this I am inthralled with her books.

I'm not one for book reviews, but I will say that this book has influenced the way I think about my relationship with God and my husband. I find myself extremely grateful for both and desire to show them my gratitude. If you read this blog every once in a while or more then you probably know Logan too. He's not much for mushy stuff so I'll just have to send him out the door with his golf clubs to go hit a bucket-o-balls or not complain when he's watching grass grow- I mean watching golf.

And if you are a spouse, will be or hope to be a spouse or know someone who is a spouse this is a great book to read. I found myself resisting the real life lessons that can be taken from this book and have spent some time in thought and prayer about them. Maybe I'll share that journey another time.

I had the time to read while we were on vacation. I don't know how much time I'll have in the coming weeks, but I hope to read "First Light" by Thoene. Another book given to me by my mom.

Love you MOM!!

Vacation Day 1

2008-06-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

All Day/ All Zone MAX tickets: $8.00

Water from vending machine: $1.25

Waiting the better part of an hour to tour a Navy ship: Free

Watching the last 1/4 of the Rose Festival Parade: Free

Three Greasy Hot Dogs: $6.00

Two Balloon creations: $3.00

A day down on the water front with all my boys and without a care in the world: PRICELESS

And then...

2008-06-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus my also be made visible in our bodies. For while we live we are always being given up to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be made visible in our mortal flesh. "

II Corintians 4:8-11

Just when it seemed that life would be settling a little bit it throws a curve ball that you don't expect and you are left wondering what is next, where God is in it, or how you are supposed to behave in the midst of the change. Take heart, friends, the Lord of creation is still in control and He knows your needs. Petition Him on your knees and watch the mighty power of God move in your life.

2008-06-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

So after a few days of prep we had a yard sale on Friday evening and Saturday. It was pretty successful, and a break from the normal summer time jive that we have around here. It was good to thin out our belongings and make some more space in our little home, but I found myself strangely attached to things I don't logically need any more. When a woman bought our little umbrella stroller for three dollars I watched her strap her two year old daughter into it and walk away and I thought to myself, "She doesn't have any idea how many memories are sitting in that stroller." My mind flooded with trips to the mall, walks to the park, zoo excursions and even ways to transport the children on campus (and keep them contained). I saw our boys, little and barely walking, in it and remembered those times. - So I had a bit of sorrow... just a for a fleeting moment... and wished the woman and little girl well. They needed that stroller (and I don't any more) and they got a good deal on it.

We sold toys and a pack-n-play, books and bed sets all wrapped up with memories. And I realized that I had held on to those things so that I wouldn't forget the memories made with them. So instead of lamenting over things that I don't need I'll work on writing some memories down, of times and experiences, so that I don't feel like I've lost them.

Then on Sunday Logan and I went to the movies... but not together. He went first and then I went when he got home. He had the idea and I was glad of it. I like going to movies by myself with my own popcorn and soda... and a few Hot Tomales. And I love watching the movie without having to think about the person beside me. Logan understands this and so we were both blessed with a little time a lone. We even saw the same movie (Narnia: Prince Caspian) which we then talked about after I got home. :) It was great!

I sacrificed a bit of time to do that though... there are a lot of things I need to get done. I thought the time of the "Don't Panic List" was over, but I will have to get it out again. And perhaps it is time to re-evaluate my time commitments again.

And I have begun strength training on top of my daily work outs. This is week 9. I have not lost any pounds yet but I have lost 3.75 inches. That is enough to boost my ambitions and maybe start counting calories. That's not supposed to be until the next phase of the book I'm reading ("Never Say Diet" by Chantel Hobbs) but we'll see. - The best part about it is that I feel better daily and that is worth every minute and every inch.

So there's a short update. Next week we are on vacation and I am looking forward to it A LOT! We will be unplugged and unavailable to most people in the world. Before that I have a lot to get done. I think by the time we get to vacation I will be exhausted... the good kind where you feel like you have accomplished much.

Media vs. Politics vs. Truth

2008-05-20T13:33:00.001-07:00

I rarely dip my toe into the pool of politics because I don't feel like I can intelligently contribute to the discussion. - Now I know why.

Today I read on my FOX News feed this story about NBC selectively editing Richard Engal's interview with President Bush. You can find the FOX Story here, the White House's letter to NBC here and NBC's response here. It took me a while to read them all but this is the first time I have dug into a news story to find out the truth.

Now back to my original statement. It is evident to me that the reason I don't feel intelligent is NOT because the news media is actively participating in selective editing, but because I haven't spent the time and effort on finding the truth within the news community. What does in fact disgust me is the fact that I can't turn on the national news and get the real story, the truth. I personally feel deeply offended by news media in general and don't really know where to turn for the truth on things of this world. Because, really, how do I know that FOX doesn't skew the news to fit their agenda the way NBC, ABC or CBS do? And in a time of political transition it seems extremely important to know the truth of the matters at hand. And seriously, I don't have the time to search out the truth for every aspect of politics or those who seek a seat in determining the future of our country. And so I, and millions of other hard working Americans, rely on the news media for accurate accounts of national and international events, thus providing us a base to make our mark by voting for said hopefuls. This sends all of my opinions flying right out the window and I am left with a ballot unmarked and no confidence in my thoughts about all things political. - And though I can't complain too much since it is truly my responsibility to search for that truth if I really want it, I am deeply dismayed by the displays of selfishness and deceit by the news media.

I spent some time with my parents a couple of weeks ago and was able to have some conversations about politics and religion. The latter I am comfortable with but putting them both together in conversation makes me squirm... a LOT, and even feel a bit of anxiety. Lord, why does it have to be so difficult to understand, and how relevant is my voice in all of it?

And so while I don't think I am getting the truth from humans in the media, in a time when I'm told that my vote and my voice count, and while I don't feel like I can intelligently contribute to a political conversation, I know where to find real peace and truth.

An interesting thought came to mind while I was in conversation with my mom, who said she had never heard it put this way, and so I share it with the few who read this blog: Humans tend to think that God is not active in the world because the Bible has a back cover, and I think that is a big mistake.

The one truth that I rest in, literally, the thing that stills my heart and allows me to sleep at night, is knowing that God still rules in His Kingdom, and His Kingdom is happening now. And what is important far beyond whether I vote today or not, is whether I am sharing the truth of God's Kingdom and His love and grace with people I know and love.

Twitter

2008-05-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hey all you Twitter friends! Am I the only one who can't sign on or is the site down? And how silly is it that I had a momentary feeling of disappointment knowing I couldn't "tweet" the latest happenings at our house!

Welp, on with the rest of the day...

Perhaps I'll get more done since I won't be occupied with Twittering.

2008-05-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to get on here and textualize* my thoughts about the last week and a half. (*is that a word?) It is proving to be very difficult.

There are a lot of things I would love to blog about but the biggest thing that keeps a smile on my face is that my Dad does not have cancer. After a chest x-ray and a CT scan they were pretty sure he had Lymphoma. Then he had the biopsy and even the surgeon was pretty sure he was dealing with cancer. But when the pathology report came back the cancer doctor said he had to look everything over again because he was shocked that it reported the tumor to be completely benign. And here's the thing: that biopsy wasn't just a clipping of a piece of tissue. They took a full tumor out to test so there is not really the possibility that they could have missed something. - My mom called after the appointment to tell me and said that the cancer doc was extremely happy to be able to report that he would not be able to help my dad because he doesn't have cancer. - What a day that was!!

My dad still doesn't feel good. The symptoms that caused him to go to the doctor are still there so they will approach the illness from a different angle. - And you know what, even if things change and for some reason he is diagnosed with Lymphoma or something else after all, I find myself resting in the assurance that God knows what is happening... that even if he ends up dealing with something more severe than an infection we will find hope, peace and strength in the Lord as powerfully as we rejoice in his mercy now. He is faithful in all things.

Praise the Lord!

For he has heard my cry for mercy.

The Lord is my strength and shield.

I trust him with all my heart.

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Psalm 28: 6&7

Spinning...

2008-05-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

To all who are weary and those who are heavy laden,

Lay at the feet of the one who loves you best.

Bring all of your trials and all of your tribulation,

Come unto me and I will give you rest.

I will give you rest!

Take my yoke upon you, come and learn from me.

For I am humble in spirit, and so you must also be.

And lo I will be with you in the midst of every test.

If you run unto me, I will give you rest!

I will give you rest!

Big Daddy Weave - One and Only

If you have it, listen to it again. If you don't you should get this Big Daddy Weave CD.

Good music

WHEW!

2008-05-02T06:03:00.000-07:00

Things have settled down. Students have checked out of the dorms and life isn't as hectic as it has been since about February 20th. I can finally think about things other than my family and my job, though both are of course still a priority.

All of the things I have felt great guilt about putting off can consume my thoughts and time. They are all things that I love or am committed to, which the latter would require at least a little bit of love, so I am glad to be giving them my attention.

I miss my family. We are going up to my parents' house next weekend. We're going to a T-Ball game of my niece Abby's, having a BBQ and just having a good time. - I love it!!

I miss my other family. But we are going to see them in June so I am glad about that. It's always like going home when we go to Logan's parents' house... just different. In June it should be super sunny during the day with a sky full of stars at night. The kids will play in the yard, we will sit and sip iced tea and talk about things or play games. Love that too!

And I miss my friends. Kristi, Suzy, Kaelea, Traci and others that I haven't been able to spend much time with at all. I will be able to have people over to visit and not feel preoccupied with work business or get knocks on the door from students needing something. And BABY TUCKER!!, whenever that kid decides to make his/her entrance (and I'm leaning towards the "his"), will be a very GREAT day! I can't wait.

I am ready for sunny weather and not this crazy weather we've had going on: sunny one minute and monsoon rain the next, but predictable sunny days. I am ready to get the sprinkler out for Kevin and Nolan and sit in my chair and relax outside. I am ready for some sun!

I have also been on my knees for my family, friends and PUMP. Everyone seems to be going through some sort of tough thing, and I just need to be in prayer for people. So if you are reading this I probably know who you are and you can rest in knowing you are carried to The Throne often.

You do not have mail

2008-04-26T07:04:00.001-07:00

It has happened. Today is the first day since we started at Cascade that I have opened my email and had NO new emails. At first I didn't know what to think of it. It's graduation time, surely somebody needs something or I am forgetting to do something or someone needs to tell me something, but nope. No new messages... so I have time to write a blog... but just a short one. I have to be ready for the day by 8.

The DON'T PANIC! List

2008-04-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I begin to think about the things I MUST get done and wonder how in the world it is going to happen. This is a frequent occurrence for people-pleasers. I happen to be a recovering people-pleaser so it doesn't happen to me as often as it used to. However the nature of my job requires different levels of productivity depending on the events on campus. For example: in the next week and a half we will be not only checking students out of the dorms but cleaning and preparing dorms for students staying after April 27th, and then preparing for those students to move out and such. You would think that this would be an easy deal. It happens every year, I should be prepared. This is logical. And so I am prepared. It is an easy deal. But the level at which my productivity must rise to is like listening to a tea kettle that is about to boil over. And so I whip out the DON'T PANIC!!! list. This is a list that my sister (God bless her) introduced to me. This list consists of four categories: Important-Urgent, Important-Non-Urgent, Have To Do, and Need To Do. I'm sure this is not a new concept. It's a way to prioritize one's time. But I assure you that it will save my sanity in the next 2 weeks.

I love my sister!

Random thoughts

2008-04-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend posted some random thoughts, and it seems fitting since I don't really have time to post an explanatory (is that the right word?) blog about our recent happenings. So here are some snippets of life right now.

- Working out feels great! I have worked out 3 days in a row, and I love it. I am committed to working out 5 days a week now. This is just the beginning, but everyone starts somewhere right?

-Hermit week is next week with Finals week and Move Out weekend to follow. Life gets busy right about now. Late nights, early mornings, spare minutes spent on details. Deadlines, pressure, need for accuracy... good motivators.

-I LOVE our life group. Standing invitation: 6:30 potluck dinner and service to each other or the community every week. Good stuff. Need something to do Wednesday evenings? Come to the PUMP house.

-I adore my husband. He is amazingly dedicated, a great dad and my best friend.

-Baby-sitting/Preschool soon to come to an official end. Sad for me but necessary. I can't do everything I'm doing well so I'm slimming down.

-Awaiting the arrival of baby Tucker with anxiousness. Is today the day? Where's my phone? It's probably hiding where Kristi's phone is hiding and I bet the culprit is a curly red headed sweet-girl.

-It feels like it's going to rain, a lot. Forecast is for sun. I hope I'm wrong.

That's it for now. Duty calls.

Dazed and Confused

2008-04-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

At nearly 4pm we left home to go to Costco which necessitates money for purchasing things so we went to the bank. On the way from the bank my hands began to burn from all of the hand washing that's been goin' on since we are potty training Nolan. So I decide to make a pit stop at KMart and get some lotion. My usual stuff is nearly six bucks for the bottle which I can get for less than three at Walmart so I decide to try something different. Of course it took longer than anticipated to choose "something different" which I ended up paying one dollar less for than the regular stuff. Whatever, I think to myself, now at the check out with kids taking things off of the impulse buy shelves, and wanting to get going to Costco (cause it'll be so much fun). We get outside where Kevin nearly gets hit and I try the new lotion which only makes my hands go from burning to blazing yet off we go, all intact.

Costco was great until we got inside the door. What is it about entering a store that turns your kids into little people you don't know? I had to restrain myself and merely separate them and threaten them with their lives. Shopping was quiet... until Kevin had to go potty. Of course we were in the back of the store at the time... and this is Costco. You don't just stick the kids in the cart and dart for the bathroom. There are no road rules in Costco. Luckily we made it. And things went well until dinner when I realized that I had a cart full of things to get home, children to farm out to a friend (THANK YOU AGAIN!), and someplace to be in 45 minutes when I needed 60. No problem, I think to myself and we head for the door. Then Kevin had to go potty again. So we went and I'm adjusting the next few tasks in my head to make it on time to all the aforementioned places. We are truckin' right along until Nolan cried out in what seemed like pain until I realized that he sat on a chair in the handicapped stall that someone has used for a toilet (NO JOKE). And this is when I ask my readers, What in the heck am I supposed to do with that one?

One can think through several scenarios and have ready answers for when different problems come up: What happens if....? is nearly always going through a parent's mind, right? Okay, I know I'm looney. That is usually going through mine but this one threw me for a loop. Think fast. Think fast. Nolan, stop screaming please. Think FAST!... buy new pants. Surely Costco has some sort of pants in their kids' section!!

Nope. Shorts. AAAAAAHHHHLLLLL shorts...save ONE. Good ol' Osh Kosh. If you know Nolan, you know that his child would rather die of heat in 90 degree weather in pants than wear shorts. (Don't ask me, he just doesn't like them.) I knew that if I bought shorts it would have been worse than listening to him scream about someone else's pee on his pants. So I bought the Osh Kosh size 6 flannel pants and we went back to the bathroom to change. Now I have 25 minutes to do all of the things I really needed 60 minutes to do in the first place.

Whew... we've all caught our breath and headed back to the cart I left with a clerk who said it would be fine to leave there and said thank you very much. The clerk commented that they had someone go back and sanitize the chair and that the someone said it was juice or Gatorade or something. I held my tongue and I'm sure my face was ugly at that very moment. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... just walk away... walk away.

We made it to the car. I'd adjusted things in my plans so that I could get all of us where we needed to be on time (or close to it) and off we went. Soon I hear Nolan start to do his panicked cry and I look back and he has ice in his hand that is dripping on his shirt which is what has him panicked. I reach back for the ice and he tries to hand me his cup which promptly dumps out onto his lap (poor Osh Kosh) at which point escalates this child into hysterics. I nearly crashed getting the car to a stop... and again I started trying to think fast. I have to confess that at this point I lost my temper. I did not have a napkin or paper towel or even a real towel to help with this drama, and I had had it. I yelled, Nolan cried and Kevin said, "I think... I'll put the lid back on my cup." I found a diaper in Nolan's bag and put that on the seat so he could ride in it the rest of the way to Kaelea's. Not too shabby I thought to myself and then began to cry because I lost it with Nolan. That was not my best moment as a mom. I was, and am, very sorry that I didn't have more control over the situation.

What have we learned from this?

Stick to "the usual".

Threaten children with their lives. It works.

Know your exits... or at least where the bathroom is.

Be prepared.

Count to ten.

Count to thirty. Maybe that'll work better.

"No big deal" is a universal phrase for nearly any situation.

Diapers absorb moisture.

A hug and a kiss can make a bad three hours better.

"I'm sorry," makes it forgivable.

Tomorrow: NO shopping trips. I think it'll take us all a little while to recover from this one.

To the few readers who might have read this all the way through, thank you for letting me share this experience with you. I don't want to be a whiner, but this shopping trip was by no means the norm for us. Maybe that's what compelled me to write about it.

And breath...

2008-03-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husband decided to clean out a closet. And that was the end of the day. About 12 hours later every room had been purged and cleaned in one form or another. I didn't get anything done that I wanted to do but I did get done the things I needed to do and that is much more important. Now I can focus on the things I want to do, which have become things I need to do, and I can do them with much less distraction.

Before that though, I take some time to just breath. This really is the calm before the second storm of the second semester. Life gets busy after today and will slow down some time in June. So I sit in my clean house, doing a little bit of what I want to do as I nurse a stomach and head ache. I think I have just plum worn myself out. Nothing to pick up. Nothing to scrub. No more loathing.

Just breathing...

Books

2008-03-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Reading: "The Scarlet Thread" by Francine Rivers (I'm hooked on Rivers!)

My mom brought me this one but I already had it. :) Yay Mom!

Getting ready to read: "Never Say Diet" by Chantel Hobes.

From my mom. She always knows what will be good for me.

2008-03-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

It is almost midnight and I'm sitting on my computer "unwinding" for a few minutes. After a busy day with a pretty sick kid I need a few minutes to myself before I can go to sleep. But as I sit here my mind reels with the thoughts of so many people I know who are going through a lot of transition in life, big and small... Only it seems to me that there are more big transitions than small and a lot of these people are leaders among their peers and so it seems that the support for some has been pulled out from under them... After all, who supports the legs of the table when they get tired?

I don't know... I can't help but wonder what God has in store for all of these people when there are so many attacks from Satan that are so evident and seem to be happening all at the same time. I have never really known a situation that seemed so individually collective. I know that sounds contradictory but I can't list out everyone's situations because that would be bad form, I think. But I can tell you that out of 10 families I know in Portland alone, all of them are facing serious personal transition let alone the transition that most churches are going through and the transition in some of their jobs, which affects half of those families. I'm talking about serious illness, economic insecurity, emotional turmoil, loss of loved ones, spiritual starvation and overwhelming depression.

At first I didn't know why I was writing about this, but it just occurred to me. Please be in prayer for people around you, for yourself, for your ministers and leaders. Please be on your knees for your family: your parents, your husband or wife, your kids, your friends. Please ask the Lord for guidance and security in your faith, your relationships, your health and your job. And think of those around you, that they too can benefit from the power of the Almighty God.

Psalm 3

A psalm of David, regarding the time David fled from his son Absalom.

1 O Lord, I have so many enemies;

so many are against me.

2 So many are saying,

“God will never rescue him!”

3 But you, O Lord, are a shield around me;

you are my glory, the one who holds my head high.

4 I cried out to the Lord,

and he answered me from his holy mountain.

5 I lay down and slept,

yet I woke up in safety,

for the Lord was watching over me.

6 I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies

who surround me on every side.

7 Arise, O Lord!

Rescue me, my God!

Slap all my enemies in the face!

Shatter the teeth of the wicked!

8 Victory comes from you, O Lord.

May you bless your people.

Writing it on my heart...

2008-03-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

"Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father,

who loved us and by his grace

gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope,

comfort you and strengthen you

in every good thing you do and say."

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

There are a lot of my people around me who are going through some tough stuff in life. This is not abnormal... everyone deals with something... but it seems to me that when someone or a group of people are on the verge of GREATNESS, Satan strikes the hardest.

Please know that I as I pray for those I know are having a tough time, I think of you as I remember this verse.

Mac is back!

2008-03-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while something happens that you don't expect and you're not quite sure how to respond. The sequence of events seems logical and plans are made and pennies are saved and you expect that what you get is equally as logical. And those stricken with the worst luck on the planet add one variable... the BIG X. That's the one thing that you know is going to go wrong, so you plan on the one wrong thing.

In September I dropped my Mac. This was predictable on my part. Not a surprise, I should say. And after six months of learning a lesson, planning, penny saving and careful consideration I took my Macbook to the Apple Store to be shipped and fixed. This was also predictable. Who buys a laptop, brakes it and says, "Oh well, better luck next time,"? So three days into the "7-10 day waiting period" I get a call that says, "We must replace the main logic board. It will cost $755.00. Please call us and authorize the repair." (Again, predictable.) "Sure," I say, and they commence repair. Then today I get a phone call, "Your Macbook is ready to be picked up." And as you can imagine, I was sort of delighted in the idea of tap, tap tapping on my little keyboard again and so we got dinner, gathered ourselves and our pennies (by this time converted to dollars) and headed to the Apple Store. Predictability is written all over this scenario, right?

I walk into the store, wait the general 5 minutes for a store employee to ask what they can do for me and I hand them my little slip and ask for my computer. "Will that be cash or credit?" they ask and after my response the lady says, "Oh, well you come stand here please," and off she went. I talked RAM and operating system with a clerk like I knew what I was saying and after a few minutes the other clerk came out with my little Macbook. "This is the one," and "thank you so much," and we commenced the payment process. I took out my little envelope getting ready to pay and then it happened... the BIG X. You know you're in for a surprise when the clerk looks puzzled and asks for some help, while looking at a screen you can't see. "Why is this ringing out as zero?" was the whispered question. "Hmm... let me check," says the other guy and whisks away for a few minutes. After a few minutes he came back and said with a big smile on his face, "There is no mistake here. It looks like this repair will cost you nothing. You are free to walk out of here with all of your seven hundred fifty five dollars if you'd like."

Yeah. I had to catch my breath. Then I had to gather my wits. Now I had the money for another "gig of RAM" and I picked a pretty pink cushioned case... Several of the clerks were as happy for me at this point as they were sad for me back in September when it was evident that it would be a costly repair. The store was a buzz of the good fortune of this young lady. And to top it off, the RAM rang up 100 dollars less than the sticker price.

I don't know whether this nice surprise makes up for all of the other bad luck I have had in life, but it sure makes me think twice about having the worst luck... that it's not about luck at all. That is a topic for another blog. For now, I'm happy to have my computer back. The lesson learned is well deserved and remembered.

Up And Running

2008-02-27T09:34:00.000-08:00

Logan is amazing. He figured out how to get our computer back up and running. I don't know how he did it... I know nothing about computers except: where the power button is, more ram = more power, and "save often". Oh sure I can navigate excell with the best of 'em and where all the tricks are for editing in word, but I can't reboot anything except my children's feet and I know that reconfiguring is useful for lego construction. So Logan is my hero. I have email, Windows and internet. He worked long and hard on it and I am grateful.

Blue Screen of Death

2008-02-25T19:33:00.000-08:00

For all of you out there who have experienced the blue screen of death I can say that I feel your pain. Logan sat down at the computer for a liesurly stroll on the world wide web to be met with the blasted blue screen. Several attempts to reformat this and reboot that have proven to be in vain and so I am sitting at his work computer sending any emails that may be pertinent to the next 24 hours and thinking to myself that, "...it's just a computer... it's just a computer".

There are pros and cons to the whole thing.

Good: I still have access to email that does not require a trip to the library or someone's home to check my email.
Bad: I cannot check email during nap time or do any work stuff as is usually the case during nap.
Good: I will not have the option of computerized distraction during the day.
Bad: I will not be able to play music from iTunes.
Good: My Mac should be in my hands by this time next week so I know that this is a temporary mality.
Bad: Now we have to decide if we need to buy a new computer... or not.
Good: I won't have to shop for the computer. Logan will take care of that... if we decide to get one.

See? There are more good things than bad things. I think we're doing pretty good.

The one thing that bites though is that we've lost all of our most recent pictures. Logan has the rest backed up, but there were some pretty cute ones on the computer that I can't get to now.

The lesson? I don't even know. Is there a lesson in this? I'm not worried about it. I just have to alter my time management so that I can fulfill my job duties. That's kind of inconvenient. The altering, not the job duties.

So, I'm signing off for now... I won't know if you comment until I can check my blog again... later. So thanks in advance if you comment... most of them will probably be encouraging and sympathetic, so thanks for that too.

And the waves begin to swell...

2008-02-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

Is it really mid February?!

This is the time of the year when I go dark... The quiet before the storm is over. There are so many things to do I don't know if I'll get around to blogging again until April. So if you are the praying kind, please pray for our family to remain sane and healthy through the next month and a half. Between meetings and appointments (they are different, really), home schooling and babysitting/PreK, keeping the house up, PUMP stuff, water aerobics, housing (work) business and soccer I think I'll be able to sit down around March 23rd.

I'm not complaining, mind you, I chose the things that make me busy.

See you on the flip side!

Blue Like Jazz

2008-02-06T08:28:00.000-08:00

I finished "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller just moments ago. Now, I'm not much for book reviews... I haven't written one since highschool and don't have witty words to convey the over all message of the thing. But I can give a short opinion, for the sake of posting and sharing a little bit of my thoughts on the book.

Honestly, I wanted to see what all of the hype was about. I remember hearing about this book in 2005 but being a non-reader at the time I didn't care to pick it up. I thought it would be some sort of life changing oracle by the sound of the buzz floating around. But Donald Miller seems to me to be a normal guy who by some magic of language can put on paper the collective thoughts of people walking the journey of life in search for Jesus. He mentions God a bit but it seems to me that he is in search of a friend whose name was a mystery and his face was not known to him. - I cannot speak for the general public or even for my friends but it seems like Mr. Miller gives voice to the struggle to find Jesus and true spirituality, which is different than Christianity according to him.

He talks several times about the difference between Christianity and spirituality and that churches frustrate him because of their politics and false love. I found myself agreeing with his thoughts which is what makes me think that he gives this voice to those searching for the true Jesus who calls us to love one another no matter what.

I was also struck at the end of the book by his realization about loving himself. Love your neighbor as yourself was a profound thought to him in understanding that he wouldn't say the things to his neighbor that he says to himself. This thought got me to ponder how I treat myself. And of course I read this at a time when I feel especially vulnerable spiritually.

One other thing that I kept thinking about was the fact that his provocative statements about Christianity and spirituality are rather bold. I don't buy into some of the things he said, though I couldn't quote them now, but other things I found myself secretly agreeing with. I think that is because of the traditional manner of Christianity from my childhood that I didn't really buy into either but didn't have the guts to challenge and don't know if I do now. ~ At any rate, I find myself grateful that I have a minister for a friend who I can say confidently speaks boldly in truth whether I am listening to him on Sunday or in conversation over dinner between our families.

There's my two cents.

82 Things

2008-01-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

I started compiling a list of a hundred things. I started a couple weeks ago and have put a few things on every now and then as I think of them, but I didn't get all 100 and I'm tired of thinking about myself. So I'm posting 82 things about me.

18. Potato soup is a comfort food for me.

19. I can hear the high frequency noises that come from electronic contraptions but I have a hard time hearing and understanding the voices of men.

20. Water Aerobics is my favorite form of exercise.

21. The latest I've ever slept in is 9:30 in the morning.

22. I have never seen the movies or read the books for the Harry Potter series. There is no particular reason for this.

23. Spring is my favorite season. I also love Fall because its my sister's favorite season.

24. I wonder things like... what made the "Danskin" people choose orange for their 2lb weight color and green for their 1lb weight color.

25. "Soccer Mom" will be added to the list of names that I go by this spring. This is one of the highlights of motherhood for me.

26. Office supplies make a great gift for me. What girl doesn't like a new notebook or Post-It?

27. If I ever work outside the home (and don't run a preschool) I want it to be an administrative assistant.

28. Caring for children is one of my favorite things to do.

29. Memorization does not come easy to me.

30. Sunflowers and stefanotis are my favorite flowers.

31. Diet Pepsi is my favorite beverage.

32. My favorite verses in the Bible are Hebrews 4:14-16.

33. The Wizard of Oz is my least favorite movie.

34. Feet are my least favorite part of the body. I do not even like my own.

35. I like to pretend that being trendy doesn't matter to me. But, I do not like to spend money or shop. So I am not trendy and it only bothers me on the occasion that I am in the company of someone particularly trendy.

36. I recently purchased the bag of my dreams. It is not made of shiny feaux leather, have leopard print or magnetic snaps.

37. I did not shop for the bag. A friend has one and I asked her where to find it. I made the purchase in less than 20 minutes.

38. I love it when my kids blow bubbles in their milk.

39. The toilet paper in my bathroom rolls over the top. It matters to me.

40. Logan and I got married on 9-9-2000 so it is easily remembered... by me.

41. I dip my pancakes in syrup with each bite. I keep my spaghetti separate from my sauce. And I like white rice plain.

42. I love to snuggle my kids and smell their heads.

43. Stand-up comedy is not funny to me.

44. I understand what covetting is by way of a lesson learned involving a Mac laptop.

45. My silky blanket goes with me when I stay overnight at someone else's house. It is a twin size blanket that I used when I slept in my grandparents' fifth-wheel. I love that blanket.

46. There is a church in Grand Junction, Colorado that I can remember very clearly. I went there before the age of six. It reminds me that the time I spend preparing for my preschool bible class matters.

47. Owning and running a preschool is a dream of mine.

48. I do not feel intelligent about politics because I don't have time to read everything there is to know about every candidate, and that seems necessary to me to be able to have an opinion about them.

49. Honesty matters to me.

50. I started this list from 100 so I would know how many I had left to think of. 50 to go.

51. Lipton tea is my java.

52. I dislike doing dishes VERY much.

53. I love the Pirates of the Carribean series.

54. I was not profoundly effected by any minister until we joined PUMP Church of Christ. (I do not say that to offend others, it is simply the truth.)

55. I loved the second trimester of both of my pregnancies.

56. I once climbed and sat in a cherry tree and ate cherries until my tummy was tight. I did not get sick and still do not get sick while eating cherries.

57. Spelling "neighborhood" correctly earned me bonus points in fourth grade. I remember my teacher's name: Mr. Russo

58. Most of my spelling ability is atributed to word-finds in fifth grade. We got a piece of licorice for every word find completed correctly. And I still think words in their s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g. (Mr. Burke was his name. He read a chapter out of a book each day after recess and he pushed his glasses up on his nose using only his face muscles.)

59. I color code things in my planner.

60. Tripping over things in my home is the one thing that frustrates me the most.

61. I do not like rose scented things.

62. In highschool my sister and I lived in very different worlds. But if anyone picked on one of us the other knew and defended the other. I hope for that for our boys.

63. I don't talk to anyone from highschool and will never go to a reunion.

64. I wonder how many people will really read all of these things about me. It makes me feel awkward to think so much about myself.

65. Stefanotis is a beautiful flower whose fragrance fills the room with my mother's presence; her gentleness and kindness and it makes me ache to be next to her.

66. Halloween is my least favorite holiday.

67. Sometimes I can still remember how my strawberry shampoo smelled when I was little.

68. Michael Jackson, Huey Lewis and the News, Carol King and Accapella (Travelin' Shoes) musically shaped me.

69. Motion sickness sometimes gets the best of me even when I'm driving.

70. I cheated on my final in Acts Class with Stan Granberg. Three years later I contacted him to tell him about the cheating and slept the best in years that night. He changed my grade to a D which could have been an F. I am still grateful to him for the grace.

71. I love cream and brown tones in a room.

72. The only toys I have from my childhood (that I can find) are two My Little Ponies.

73. My great- great granddad was a horse-back circuit preacher.

74. My highschool music teacher said that the difference between gospel music and blues is, "Oh Lord" and "Oh baby".

75. He also taught me how to hit the high notes by teaching me to shoot free throws, that purple is not just a color, and that a good jazz band doesn't find the beat with the drummer.

76. I let my kids jump on my bed.

77. Anxiety sweeps over me at the grocery store if I get there and realize I've forgotten a comprehensive list.

78. My favorite name of Jesus is "Advocate".

79. Chocolate gives me migranes.

80. I still struggle with regret over my wedding photographer. He did not allow my grandpa to take pictures of me. ~ I should have fired him on the spot. ~ It still makes me angry to tears and sad that I didn't stick up for him. Sometimes I fanticize about what I should have said to the photographer, and then I get embarassed and ask God to forgive my foul mouth.

81. When Logan and I got married it was the last time I saw my grandmother. I still remember her kiss and hug.

82. Conflict does not scare me. The possability of damaging a relationship scares me.

83. My first pet was a Samoide named Bear. Well, he was my dad's dog, but he shared. Bear loved oranges and snow and playing with my dad. He used to turn into a white fluff ball when my dad brushed him. We had to put him down when I was 18. ~ I still miss him.

84. I learned to sing in church where my mother gave us a half piece of gum before church started so we wouldn't bug her for it during communion. I still sing with gum in my mouth.

85. I was once ranked tied for 3rd in the solo competition at the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival in highschool. It is my first memory of having a placement in a competition of any kind. I sang with gum in my mouth.

86. I wish to have played volleyball in highschool and college.

87. The dentist chair is my second least favorite place to be.

88. Any place where "shopping" is required is my least favorite place to be.

89. The idea of getting on a plane makes my stomach hurt and my heart beat fast.

90. I will be 30 in June but I feel like I've been 18 for a really long time.

91. I do not wear anklets.

92. Orange juice is my favorite juice.

93. My son and I love the same Pooh character.

94. I love to read. I have read more in the last 30 days than in the last ten years.

95. People say I look like my mom and act like my aunt. I think it's because I believe my mother to be the most beautiful woman alive and my aunt's manner was impressed upon my heart at a very young age. I think my mother to be strong and my aunt to be gentle. Both are traits I do not think I know yet.

96. I know that there are eight steps to the second floor, nine to the ground floor and seven to the first floor of our building... 41 steps to the dumpster... 38 to our car from the front door... 22 to the Johnson Center and seventeen steps up to the cafeteria.

97. Kaytlyn, Abigail and Fiona are daughters of my heart.

98. I do not like Diet Squirt and orange Chicklets at the same time.

99. I love to garden and have a potting bench that Logan built for me. But I do not have a yard. So I have house plants and plans for a beautiful garden when we buy a home with a yard.

100. My greatest wish is to sing for Disney.

Before Portland

2008-01-25T20:12:00.000-08:00

I thought I would share some photos of the boys when they were much younger. I came across a slough of pictures and they invoked a lot of memories that I had forgotten. I hope to keep the captions brief. The pictures are not in date order. I'm new at the post-pictures-on-your-blog thing.

Nolan at 5 months at Sauk River Women's Retreat. He's cooing at his Nana.

This is Nolan with my Grandpa who recently passed away. It's nice to have a picture of them together.

This is Nolan at 6 weeks. He had RSV and was hospitalized for 5 days. The wires and tubes included oxygen, IV, heart monitor, pulse/oxygen level, and respiration monitor. Many people came to lend their support but no one was allowed in the room unless they were robed and masked. Nana, Grandma and the family were so helpful. Grandma even sat in the room with me (masked) for about five hours one day. The support and love was amazing. ~ It wasn't until Nolan was almost two when I realized that the experience was his "storm" and not mine. The LORD was caring for him then... not me.

Kevin - Cheesmo!

Gramma and Nolan at about 7 months.

Kevin - "Short help is better than no help."

Kevin: Tub time was the best time.

Kevin at 1 1/2

Nolan's First Christmas. He slept through most of it.

Snow Day at Nana's house... building Snow Nana's and Snow Papa's.

Welp, that's it for now. Hopefully I can share more later... probably on their page. Maybe I'll post one of Kevin's latest head wound. He's such a boy!

Writing this on my heart...

2008-01-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

"Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life.

Put away perversity from your mouth

keep corupt talk far from your lips.

Let your eyes look straight ahead,

fix your gaze directly before you.

Make level paths for your feet

and take only ways that are firm.

Do not swerve to the right or the left;

keep your foot from evil."

Proverbs 4: 23-27

The Wall

2008-01-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

For about the past two and a half years I have been blessed with my job, the struggles that come and go with it, the home that comes with it and the task of keeping the family "together" in the process. I've been able to, with some measure of success, been able to find my groove. Home school with the boys has been difficult to get comfortable with, though the idea has been exciting the direction has been hard to find. That's been resolved and now we begin a new curriculum that I think will benefit all who reside in our home. Work has had its challenges though it's been an incredible blessing. There is something new nearly every day that I thank my LORD for. He is so faithful to guide me through it's challenges and I praise his name for the triumphs. But this was not always so. Our time here in Portland has been a long road with unforseeable forks in our path and I have not always seen God's leading in it. So my relationship with him has been tomultuous at best. One thing that I've had to learn to do is to quiet my mind without a quiet place to be. Our bedroom consisted of three walls and a curtain on the other side of which was our living room. When someone entered our home they entered my bedroom and in some small way I felt invaded upon though my heart has been in welcoming people and their intention I believe has not been on invasion of my space. It has been something I have prayed about, saying, "Lord please, I just need some privacy." But until now I believe I had a lesson to learn. And though I can't quite put it into the right words I think it has something to do with finding God no matter where I am and like I said; quieting my mind without a quiet place to be.

Along this part of my journey I've been blessed with a book series by Francine Rivers that has opened my eyes to the touchable God that has made my heart his dwelling place. I don't remember a time when I have been so open to His leading, hungry for His words, and humble before him as my King.

And now, it seems in completion of this lesson, I have a private place. I now have a bedroom with four walls, a door, and a knob that locks. I have a quiet place where I can be still and be alone or with Logan... or with God. And I am grateful. I tell Him silently whenever I go into my room and close the door, or when I look at the new wall contemplating the pictures that could go there. I am grateful. I am so very grateful.

So forgive me if I am tearful as I proclaim the excitement in my heart at a few pieces of wood, some dry wall and paint. It serves as a physical reminder of something I longed for and found before it was built.

My Hands

2008-01-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

I sat one day and caught a glimpse of my hands. For some reason my mind lingered on the look of them and their origin. I thought about my parents. The inside of my hands look like my mothers... soft yet determined... I remembered the way she ran her fingers through my hair as a child and again as I delivered Kevin... so comforting. I can picture her hands as she arranges flowers or fiddles with beads. She has perfect nails and pretty, slim fingers. I remember when she scolded me in jest or in earnest and held me at my first broken heart. Looking at the inside of my hands I hear her words echo the day she spoke to me just before my wedding, "...always be sweet..." I remember days I would stroll into the flower shop she worked in when we lived in Seattle and see her working so hard. Then she'd come home and cook dinner and do whatever else she did at the time... I'm sorry I didn't notice those things enough to be as grateful as I am now.

The outside of my hands look much like my Dad's. The way the skin wrinkles in the same places, the formation of my nails. I remember studying his hands as he worked on cars we had or installed shelving or washed the dishes. I remember him holding me as a child, rocking as he read the paper. I can picture his wedding ring... I remember splitting wood with him, packing the car for road trips. I can picture his hand on the wheel, his thumb tapping to the music. I love watching him lead singing, seeing his hands hold the song book... or walking into his office and seeing him finger through his bible. I remember when we were crossing a busy street. We thought we had enough time but when he saw that I wasn't beside hime, he swiftly grabbed me and saved my life. His hands caught me when I slipped on rocks at Deception Pass. They catch me now when my heart slips and I need his hands to hold me.

I have felt overwhelmingly grateful for my parents in the recent months. That's not to say that I've just now begun to feel grateful, I believe I told my mom she was right about everything several years ago... but lately I've been thinking a lot and they keep coming up in my mind. Now they are coming up on 32 years of marriage. That's pretty impressive to me.

So as I looked at my hands the other day I prayed that the Lord would forgive me of the unkind things I think and do to guide me on the right path and help me to be soft yet determined, strong and faithful.

A Voice in the Wind

2008-01-02T20:46:00.000-08:00

My heart is swimming with true emotion having finished "A Voice in the Wind" by Francene Rivers. This is not a book review, this is a plea... read this book. But I caution you... it may cause you to open your heart to the voice of God... and that could change your life.

Loathsome Shopping

2007-12-30T19:38:00.000-08:00

I walked into Fred Meyer this afternoon with the intention to return/exchange a gift. As I approached the exchange/return line a wierd feeling welled up in the pit of my stomach... I knew it would take longer to stand in line than make my bed and I already loathed the idea of what I had to do next. I had to shop. Never the less, with my store credit in hand I headed to the aisle where I thought I would find a suitable replacement for the thoughtful yet not-quite-right gift. No dice. What I was looking for was in stock but on sale cost much more than I was willing to "spend" as maybe my gifter thought (and rightfully so). So as I walked down the aisle I noticed that said gift was refunded to me at the sale price, an entire ten dollars less than full price. ~ Feeling the sting of a return gone wrong I began to wander. Some of you out there might call it shopping. I call it much worse, but I will remain G rated. ~ After talking on my phone for a short time and looking in the "organize-it" section I headed off to the only section in a store I don't feel the pangs of anxiety sweep over me. Comfortably "wandering" the office supply section I selected some things for a venture I'm set to begin in the next couple of days. Then I went back to the fore-mentioned section only to wander with panic beginning to creep up my back... I must go home with a replacement. ~ Again, no dice. Where the heck would "they" put that thing any way? ... One more time around the section and I found a suitable replacement, all the while cussing the store manager for putting said replacement in such a ridiculous place. ~ Don't they know I hate to shop?~ And so I headed to check out and picked a line I thought would be easily navigated and scarcely populated. I was right on the lack of consumer presence, but I neglected to calculate the lack of intelligence behind the register. Trying to stifle the annoyance eminating from my face I looked around the area not caring really about what I was looking at, just trying to be kind to the poor dear who probably started at her job this morning... it would be sad to think anything else. Sadder even that I had to remind her to wring up said replacement worth $40.00 that I probably could have walked out of the store without paying for.

I hate shopping.

I went home with the needed items, happy most of all that I was able to purchase several things from the office supply section (without guilt) though no post it notes on this trip. ~ Never the less my husband is grateful to have a wife that would rather not shop and my sister is happy to give me tips when I do actually go get a pair of jeans or a shirt or something like that.

For now, I'll just stay right here.

Christmas Get to Know Ya

2007-12-24T13:30:00.000-08:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper and bows

2. Real tree or artificial? Artificial... Real trees make my hands break out when I decorate.

3. When do you put up the tree? This year is the first year we've decorated since we moved to Portland. I had Logan in storage before Thanksgiving to get the decorations out. I promise to wait longer next year.

4. When do you take down the tree? Probably the weekend after Christmas this year.

5. Do you like egg-nog? I'm with Kristi - Blek!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My Little Pony Castle and Ponies.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yep.

8. Hardest person to buy for? I love giving gifts... but that means I have to go shopping...

9. Easiest person to buy for? Again with the shopping...

10. Worst gift you ever received? Perfume.

11. Favorite Christmas movie? White Christmas: Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney...

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Again with the shopping!!

13. Have you ever recycled a present? No.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Mom's Turkey Dinner, Mother-in-law's Pican Pie

15. Clear or colored lights on tree? Colored around the trunk, clear around the branches. Try it... it's beautiful.

16. Favorite Christmas song? What Child Is This...

17. Travel or stay home? At home this year.

18. Can you name all of the reindeer? Um...probably...

19. What is on top of your tree? An angel.

20. When do you open presents? One on Christmas Eve, the rest on Christmas... a tradition from both our families we love to do with our boys.

21. Most annoying thing this time of year? Rude people in stores.

22. Favorite ornament theme? No theme

23. Favorite food for Christmas dinner? Turkey Dinner...mmmm... gravy...

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I wouldn't dare inflict the task of shopping on my behalf upon someone else.

It's probably too late to tag anyone else... but if you want to post please do.

I READ!!

2007-11-26T09:25:00.001-08:00

I did it! I read a whole book... the whole thing! Cover to cover... front to back.

I don't know how to paste a picture of the book on my blog. (I'll have to read up on how to do that!) But the book is called, "Total Money Makover" by Dave Ramsey. Not a romantic selection for my first book in ten years but a good on none the less. I won't clog the blog by giving a review of it (yet) but I just had to post this as soon as I got done with it.

Having felt accademically incapable and inadequate for so long this is quite an accomplishment for me. And it's just the beginning.

Now, "YOU on a Diet" by Dr. Oz. Both books are gifts from my mom. What a wonderful woman! She tried to get me to love books when I was young(er). And in her desire to continue to help me on my journey she's given me books that I think (she knows) are helpful to say the very least. ~ She's always known just what I need. ~

So in my triumph, with the camera trained on my close up, and the whole world watching I say, "Thanks Mom!!"

Thank you...

2007-11-21T14:47:00.000-08:00

For warm water and soap to wash with... for electricity and heat... for food... for clothing... for clean water... for health... for opportunity for better health... for Logan... for Kevin... for Nolan... for family... for a car to drive... for a little Christmas tree... for Thanksgiving day parades... for my job... for PUMP... for my friends... for the Tucker House Gang and Preschool... for students who knock on our door at all hours of the night... for insurance coverage... for our first Thanksgiving at home... for love...

... for Jesus... my comfort... my leader... my hiding place... my provider... my protector... my LORD... my Savior...

I'M FIVE!!!

2007-11-16T21:32:00.000-08:00

For the past year Kevin has been consistent and ethusiastic about proclaiming every Sunday morning that he is four when the "kids five years old or younger" are dismissed to go downstairs during the sermon. Many times I hang my head in embarassment because no matter how many times we tell him that everyone knows he's four, he must prove it by waving four skinny fingers in the air and pronouncing his age to Ike as he turns the corner to go.

Now, Kevin is five. I was shocked into awareness of this day this morning at 5am as I heard my son running through the sea of balloons blown up last night for his special day. ~ Fitting. ~

We spent the morning at the Zoo where we saw bats, snakes, crocodiles and polar bears, ate $20.00 worth of hotdog and chicken salad (that'll get you only two hot dogs and a wilted salad, by the way), escaped the gift shop with one new buddy each, and giggled all the way home. Kevin then got to play all afternoon with his friend Caden and then we had Pizza Schmizza for dinner (loved it).

It was "Do-whatever-Kevin-wants-to-do Day" so I focused on saying "yes" to as much as I possibly could. We pittled around and looked longer at animals than usual, stood at the tidal pool spot so he could get sprayed a couple times, looked around the gift shop longer than usual, and went puddle hopping (I get the cool-mom point for that one). And we watched movies, made cookies, and played computer games together, not to mention the countless board games and legos that got played with today.

We ended it with Kevin in my lap where I remembered out loud for him the day he was born, what that meant to me, and what it was like to meet him. I made up a song for him at his request and talked about each of his birthdays and where we lived at those times.

It has been a full, fun-filled day. I dream of the days when my only focus is on him and Nolan... and I can say yes to requests for more time at any given activity much more than I can now.

This year I look forward to Kevin learning to read, ride a bike without training wheels, spring soccer little-league and his social development. This Sunday I look forward to him excitedly waving his hand to announce, "I'm FIVE!"

On Nolan

2007-11-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

My sweet little guy turned three last Friday. For him it was a day of feeling sick and being held a lot. For me it was a day of memories as I held this ill little boy who didn't feel much like celebrating. I thought all the way back to the pregnancy, through his first year, his first steps, his first words and about his little personality. He is a quiet boy who enjoys playing with his cars, by himself, in his space, in his room. It would be easy to compare Nolan to Kevin and be disappointed I guess... maybe because Kevin is so loud and funny and I end up writing a lot about him. Nolan's not quite that way though he has his moments. But he is certainly not a forgotten child.

I think what was profound to think about as he turned three years old in my arms is that he is selective and intentional. That is not to say that I think he is a snobby kid. I think he reserves his affection for those he knows he can trust. And he doesn't just build a tower to King Kong it and build it again. He builds it for someone and enjoys looking at it for a while. He is thoughtful when he is investigating a flower. He is careful to pull the petals off in a particular order that only makes sense to him.

He is selective. He took a few steps at about 12 months and decided he'd rather not. So he didn't walk steadily until he was 18 months. When faced with the option of juice or thirst he prefers the latter. His sleeves must be down. He sleeps on his left side. He doesn't say hello to just anyone. He doesn't talk much to anyone besides "his people" and he snuggles with very few. Elice is blessed in that she was able to hold him while he slept on her several times in our first year at Cascade... a pleasure afforded to me only four times since he was 8 weeks old. ~ But his love is in his smile, in his hugs, his questions and his art. He once spent two hours coloring on a box with markers... every time he made a circle it was the representation of someone he knows and loves. ~ He is thoughtful.

So for those who see him as a quiet clingy child, you can know that he is loud and funny in his own way. And though I don't write as much on him yet I know there will be a time when I can't stop talking about him. ~ It's just so hard to put into words the look on his face when he discovers a ladybug on his flower or the smile when he accomplishes the task of tower building or the excitement in his eyes when he realizes he's drawn a person with a face for the first time. He is not vocal about it... he is intensly silent.

But he is incredible... in a way that is incomparable to his brother. And so I am not disappointed when I think of Nolan and Kevin. They are so pleasantly different. I hope they always take care of eachother, always look up to eachother but never act like eachother. What a shame that would be.

In the next year I look forward to watching him discover the joy of writing and coloring, learning to ride a bike and potty training... all things I know he will do well, in his own time.

My Nolan. His spirit is still as sweet as the day he was born.

Worst Case Scenario

2007-11-05T23:37:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been in a tough situation and not known what to do? Well, in any case... any case at all you now have the tool you need to be prepared. ~ I've never played the game before today but there is a game called "Worst Case Scenario". Now, am I a little behind the eight ball on this? Has this game been around for a while? Man, talk about too much information! Well, or maybe it's the right amount...

You can learn all kinds of things with this game. For instance:

How to avoid being attacked by a shark...

Would you believe that all you have to do is avoid wearing shiny jewelry?
(not to mention: STAY OUT OF THE WATER)

How to eat ants:

Cook them for six minutes to kill their bitter poison and enjoy.

What to do if your TV catches on fire:

Simply unplug it.

Here's one that you better read even before you read the one about the TV...

How to use a fire extinguisher:

Use the P.A.S.S. method: Pull, Aim, Something-I-don't-remember, and Sweep
(I guess I wouldn't pass that test)

I was just amazed at the things you can learn about with this game... as I read some of them off to Kevin as we "played" it today. He got a kick out of hearing what you do to catch a leopard or what to do if you get attacked by an alligator or how to eat worms. But did you know that you can cure hemroids with a particular vegitation concoction in the wild... if you happen to be in the right kind of "wild" when your hemroids flair up... and you can even learn how to treat a rattle snake bite.

Hm.

I think we'll stick to Candy Land and Uno for now.

Leon Cruse

2007-11-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

Leon Cruse is my Grandpa. He'd always been a powerhouse of knowlege when it came to all things cars, vacuums or the Bible. He had a dog when we were younger named Major, a black lab with a leithal tale. He saved the day once when there was a brush fire right outside his garage/shop. He helped raise 8 children. He knew how to laugh, taught me to play soliatre and chess, performed my wedding and was a kind hearted and generous grandfather. He was a preacher. Being on time for him was being there 15 minutes early. He opened the building, made sure the chairs were set up, song books out, and maybe he prayed a little or reviewed his notes one more time. But two Sundays ago he was late... real late. 20 minutes after start time a few of the men went to his house where they found him. He had died while getting ready for church. There were two pizzas on the dryer for him to pick up on his way out (it was potluck Sunday) and his Bible was on the table with his notes inside and his keys on top.

His death was shocking and I still have pockets of sadness in my day. But the thing that is hardest to know how to handle is the feeling of relief. Is that bad? I feel relieved that he is not lonely, he's not in any pain, he's not weary, he's resting peacefully in the arms of Jesus. All of that is really okay with me. And I know it is the comfort that our family finds so helpful when we are personally or collectively in moments of sadness. But somehow I reason with myself that it's too early to feel accepting of his death. I just don't know how to deal with this part of it.

I say that he is my grandpa because he still is. I don't know any other man as my Grandpa Leon. There is no replacement and no stand-in. And I wouldn't have it any other way. ~ Of course trying to put into words what he means to me or all of the experiences we had with him is impossible. Perhaps I'll write about little things I remember from time to time. But my point is that he and my Grandma were instrumental in building our family. "Well, that's obvious," you say? Yes. It is. But they built a family of 10 out of two families with a parent and four kids ranging in age from 2 to 17. In the time that everyone has lived their lives my grandparents have councilled many people, seen many kids and grandkids get married, seen tragic loss, and built a church body from the ground up. They loved eachother so very much. And they loved their family. We are such a family that when Grandma and Grandpa both died I never once heard my mom refer to some of my uncles and an aunt as a "step-sibling". They are her brothers, and her sister... we are family.

I don't know where I'm going with this or how to end it. It just seemed time to post something and this is the most prevelant thing in my mind right now. ~You know, at one time I could say I had four sets of grandparents. They've all passed away now, but their stories are a part of my story. Maybe I'll post about them from time to time.

Please, take some time to tell the people around you what they mean to you. Don't take your family for granted, whatever your family looks like. If they are special to you, you should tell them.

Reading...

2007-10-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

There is ulimited amounts of knowledge out there that is available to anyone who has the patience and time to read. I've recently begun to read again... seriously, just in the past few days... and it is amazing to me how much inofrmation is just waiting for my eyes to pass over it, putting words together to make coherent thoughts that will increase the quality of my life.

For so long I have not picked up another book with the feeling of guilt that grips me and says, "If you aren't reading even the Bible then how do you have time to read this?" And so I haven't read. In addition to that, I have to be so centrally focused on what I am reading that I can't even let the boys play while I read... My fear has been that they would be able to paint their room with pudding before I would even notice that the fridge is oozing purple goo and the bathtub is over flowing with bubbles. But they have recently proven to me that they can at least play for about 10-15 minutes before I have to intervene. (Not bad for an almost 3 and 5 year old.)

Another realization came to me today and is the point of this post. Like I said before I've had this thought that if I'm not taking the time to read the Bible then I don't have time to read for recreational purposes. But just like everything else in my life right now, I questioned that. Why? Why wouldn't I be able to read what I want? So I have this book that is not exquisite or mind bending or romantic in any way. It's about how to get started in Home Schooling... a book that I thought would be helpful and has proven several times over to be just that. But I'll tell ya, it has been a significant wake up call to me... not so much the content of the book but the fact that I really don't read all that well. The point: the thought that I've been having is that if I can learn to read better and read books that I enjoy then my dedication to reading and studying the Bible just might follow suit. The thing that I need to have when I'm reading my Bible is a thought to focus my mind on that applies the scripture that I'm reading to my life. Otherwise it seems to me like I'm reading the same scripture I was reading when I was 8 only now I'm reading it for the 111th time. A Bible that is good for that, I've discovered, is the Time With God Bible. Logan has one that I think I might steal to be able to get into the word daily. I don't think he'll mind.

I'm not a particularly quick reader. It takes me about a minute and a half to read the text on a full 8.5x11 piece of paper. But this new world throws into sharp awareness for me all of the things I have been missing and so I am drawn to it. The trouble I'm having now is paying attention to the things that I have to get done: lesson plans for the boys, actually doing the lessons with the boys, work duties, house work, etc.

Next on my list: Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson - Recommended by Logan

Do you have any recommendations?

No News

2007-09-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

We have been wrapped up in finding our new "normal" now that school is in full swing for everyone. And since I don't have the use of my Mac right now I'll be posting less. But I will be sure to post things on the boys' blog about Kevin's preschool and about our home schooling adventures.

And lately I've felt the need to stimulate my brain. I'm actually going to try my hand at reading... yep reading. It's certainly not my favorite past time. In fact, I would rather do dishes than read, but I feel like I have severely dumbed down since... highschool. So here I go.

I might have a book review to post next... in a few... weeks. :)

Stay tuned.

Only in my world...

2007-09-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school we sang a song called, "Everything Happens to Me". Basically it's the narative of someone with really awful luck who gets the brunt of life. And out of all of the things I choose not to remember about highschool, I remember that song, mainly because the choir I sang with dedicated it to me every time we performed it. Seriously, I was always the person who ran square into the monkey bars pole, threw ketsup all over my fellow diners while shaking the ketsup bottle, was six months behind "the style" or got the ticket for expired tabs the day they expired. And life just keeps on comin'.

It's true. I'm singin' a bit of a sad song right now... feelin' a little bit pitiful. But I have good reason.

I dropped my Macbook the other day. Yep, dropped it. All of you Mac users are gaspging and the PC users are laughing. Fair enough. But here's the kick. I took it into the Apple Store down town last night and took it to the Genius Bar (which is real time assistance for all things Mac). After 1.5 hours of watching the Genius take my baby apart, put it back together, plug things in, try different things and with the occasional grimace or puzzled "huh", he nearly cried when he told me that he could not start up my computer... that it is probably the main logic board (or mother board for PC users). That's right. It won't even boot up. This is neither an easy or inexpesive fix. - Maybe he almost cried because he saw the tears in my eyes. Maybe it's because he was very sad at the situation. He litterally said, "This is very rare... and very sad. I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can do for it."

I found myself thinking (and saying once), "All of my files are on there... everything is on there..." - The Genius kept saying he was so very sorry... He was sad for me.

So I'm bummed... really bummed.

But it got me to thinking... What am I supposed to learn from this, Lord? - Don't say it readers, I know what you are thinking, "You are supposed to learn how to keep ahold of things." That's funny but that's not what I'm talking about... What life lesson should I learn here? One about being materialistic? Am I materialistic? About being reliant on technology? About managing time and money well enough to be able to get the repairs done? What's the point here?

Well, what was the point of the lesson when I ran into the pole on the playground, or flung ketsup all over the diner, or got the ticket from the cop? Is there a lesson in it here? Or am I just inflicted with really bad luck?

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

2007-09-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

Church today at PUMP was different. There were a lot of people absent. In fact there were so many people absent that we didn't have our normal program for the neighborhood kids, no Sunday Bible Class and no lunch. Now, some who belong to PUMP might be asking themselves, "Why is she talking about this? How embarrassing." But hang with me here, there is a point...

Our preacher was out at a big youth rally in our area. Another of our ministers was out on vacation. Other PUMP members were out on their vacations, or sick, or whatever.

I think I counted 6 adults that are regularly involved in the workings of our Sunday program. That's 6 out of about 20 who are there on a pretty regular basis; teaching, administrating, ministering, serving and preparing so that the kids in our neighborhood and members learn a little more about Jesus each week. So Logan lead worship. I put communion together. Ike left a pre-recorded DVD of his sermon (which I hope makes it to his blog). And that was PUMP this morning. But it was by no means a minimal experience.

I realized this as I sat in worship singing that I had to focus on keeping a great feeling of anxiety at bay. Introducing myself to others is certainly not one of my strong suits... and this concerns me. I realized that I rely on the "A team" of our PUMP members to do what feels to me like the hard stuff of ministry... meeting people, inviting them into the PUMP family... inviting them to meet Jesus... and it broke my heart. I realized that after 2 years at PUMP I am still drinking a sort of spiritual milk.

...still...

I know I have a choice to make... Yoda coined the phrase but Jesus said it first, "Do or do not, there is no try."

So, this is where the rubber meets the road.

Hoo-dee-doo

2007-08-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

So I thought I had a meeting with the President (of Cascade) today so I was gearing up for it... because I've never had a "real job" before this one (since caring for 20 preschoolers at any given time isn't a real job)... where there are meetings and reports and hoo-dee-doo as those who have never had a real job call it... a certain propriety as it is in the business world... and I had my excel sheet all pretty and my outfit picked out (because you don't wear jeans and a t-shirt to the president's office, right?) and I was ready. Then my phone rings. It's Becca who is calling to say that my information doesn't match up. Look at my watch... ONE hour until the meeting. My "apple"+F key comes in handy, I fix the problem and we're back in business. Still planning to WOW the President with my spreadsheet... I'd found a babysitter (thank you Elice), I was getting ready and my email dings...

*ding* (sorry no real sound)

It's from my boss who says that I don't have to go to "the meeting". Insert self dialog:

What? No meeting? What about my spreadsheet? What about my outfit? That means I don't get to go to the President's office... bummer. ..... Who's going to take my spreadsheet?

And after all of that build up, a colleague of mine took all of the spread sheets and the meeting lasted about an hour. Done deal.

I understand that all of my information was in order. At least I can put that minute bit of experience under my "real world" belt.

Whew!

TAG

2007-08-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Tag...you're it!

I've been tagged...here's the rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (If you don’t have a blog, email me)

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Eight Random Facts/Habits about me:

1. I am a 5th generation Christian.

2. I desire to have a family of 8 or 10. (We will have to adopt)

3. My husband once talked about leaving me over my (OCD) cleaning habits.

4. I fight an overwhelming urge to SCOWER my bathroom EVERY day.

5. I do not like to read and have never enjoyed the library (much to my mother's dismay who tried hard to instill a habit of reading in us... it worked on my sister).

6. I do not like doing dishes.

7. I have never had a major broken bone.

8. "Fiance" is the one word in the American English language that I detest.

TAG: Logan (now you have to post), Kenli, Suzy, Kaelea, Charity, Mom, Janie, Elisha.

Mostly

2007-08-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

Has it really been that long since I posted last? Wow!

Welp, the following statements are mostly true...

The freshmen are moved in.

Returning students will arrive tomorrow.

We are done with the busiest part of the year.

And we are ready for the year.

Everyone that lives in our apartment is weary but healthy.

I am glad that I have the kids I have. Kevin provides a bit of comic relief at just the right moments and Nolan is always full of snuggles.

We're in the home stretch!!!

SPLAT

2007-08-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

This post has been edited for content because I was really irritated yesterday and said some things on this post that were "ugly". No one was at fault and the help I had was GREAT.

God, forgive me for my quick and rude tongue. I do not intend to offend others. Please help me to be sweet in speach, slow to anger, and patient in waiting on your provision.

So I spent the day today painting in our dorm for the "all hands on deck" work day on campus. I thought it would be a good idea to be helpful so at 9am off I went, with boys in tow, to join the work party. After hanging some mirrors with the hot new facilities director (my husband) I headed off to my dorm to paint. - After going to Rodda to get paint for said job I began to paint and noticed that it didn't quite match. Insert internal dialogue:

What does this can say? "Popcorn" (and a bunch of numbers)

What does that can say? "Popcorn" (and a bunch of numbers)

Oh, that's okay. It'll probably blend as it dries.

I continued to paint. I painted, Kevin "painted", Nolan painted... his face. I washed Nolan and set him to the task of identifying shapes on Blue's Clues. I painted. I fed the boys. I fed me. I painted, and painted and painted and found myself painting alone because everyone was missing their ties and skirts and decisions.

And then the hot facilities guy came in and said, "Those don't match"...at which point I decided he was just the facilities guy.

Five hours into the job I am irritated, hot, tired, and thinking of all of the other things I could have been doing today to get ready for the year. Who cares about the blinkin' walls anyway?

Apparently the "bunch of numbers" matter.

Imagine that.

P.S. The facilities guy surprised me with a date. - He's hot.

Carol Loy Cruse

2007-08-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

My Gramma passed away at the end of July. It's taken me a while to gather my thoughts on this significant event but I've decided to write a little bit about her. Read it if you like. She was a magnificent mother, a loving grandmother, and dedicated wife.

I was so excited! I knew this guy was the one and I couldn't wait to introduce him to my family. He was in college to become a preacher, his dad was a preacher and I knew that would impress my family. We hadn't been together very long, but I was pretty sure I could marry him and live a happy life. So the next time I went to my Gramma and Grandpa's house I told them about him. He's so handsome, he's in school to be a preacher, he's so... And then she asked, "Can you live without him?"

"Huh?" I responded, bewildered.

"Can you live without him?"

It took me a minute but I answered, "Sure... I guess I could... yeah, I could live without him." I was more shocked at my answer now than the question she'd asked.

"Then he's not the one, Sweet heart. Don't settle."

I thought I would just give it a chance. Maybe he was the one... we'd only been together for a while. Maybe I just wasn't really in love yet. When I fell in love with him, then I'd know.

When she hugged me when I left she said, "You'll be fine."

Three weeks later we broke up. I was a little bit sad, but I knew he wasn't the one. She knew that before I did.

~

When we were "little" my sister, brother and I would go to Gramma's to spend time. We probably went for a weekend at a time, I don't remember, but I remember sleeping over. She would take us to "The Red Apple" grocery store where we would all get one scoop of candy from the bulk section. Charity got gum drops, Joel got gummie bears and I got lemon drops... every time. It was a fun little tradition. - Several years after that I went to visit her and sitting on the table was a bag of lemon drops... probably from The Red Apple... just for me.

~

There were a lot of little things that Gramma did for us and with us that have shaped who we are... all of us. My mom and her siblings, their spouses, children and grandchildren have all been shaped by the woman that my Gramma was. Her fingerprints are on all of us whether she taught us manners, how to craft, how to cook or how to sing. She taught us by example and she showed us who Jesus is in all of it. Any time you visited her and Grandpa you were fed, advised and sent off with a kiss and a wave. Whether you were a wrestler, a roper, a singer, a farm hand, a truck driver, a mom, a welder, a mechanic, a business person or a student, she was your biggest fan. And you knew it.

My aunt Janie said that when she went to visit Gramma in the nursing home and asked if she knew who she was, Gramma simply replied, "Mine." She knew she had family around her. She knew who she belonged to. She lived her life in love with God and dedicated to her family and it showed.

I'd like to imagine that when she met Jesus face to face and asked if He knew who she was, He replied, "Mine."

I would like to read all of this at her memorial on Saturday - but I don't think I could get through it. I can hardly see the screen as it is right now. I don't cry for her. She is with Jesus. No diabetes, no confusion, no pain, no tears. I suppose I cry for Kevin and Nolan who will not know her as I did... for Grandpa who sleeps alone... for my mom who feels so blue. I cry for what she means to me that I can't express in words.

WHAT?!

2007-07-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

There is currently a car sale for a company that I don't even know because I'm stuck on the idiocy of the name of the event.

The Big Duh Sales Event

Someone ran out of good ideas.

Raw Emotions

2007-07-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

Why do we talk about people after they die? Why don't we talk about them when they are still around, so they know how much they are cherished? Or... why don't we talk about them when they are still around so that they know they need to change... to give their lives to Christ and abide in His forgiveness?

On the one hand my husband is in Ellensburg to go to a memorial service for a man who was beaten to death. He was involved in awful things that lead to the beating but no one deserves to be murdered, no matter what they are involved in. But what if we had had a "memorial service" for him 3, 5 or 8 years ago... when he was there to witness it? Would he have changed? If you think to yourself that he was probably too far gone, why do you think that? What if he saw his mother crying? How about his son? Or his daughter? Would it change you? - And what's the big idea about doing it after a person has passed? They can't change themselves at that point. I just don't think that's very nice.

On the other hand my grandma is not well. She is in a nursing home near the U.S./Canadian border... "one of the best in the country". They take good care of her, and yet her body is failing. She's lived a long life, full of joy and hardship and victory. She is a faithful woman of God who shaped her family, her children and her grandchildren to be believers and followers of Jesus. And when she passes away we will be sad that she's gone but we'll all rest in the hope of the resurrection; that she will be in the arms of Jesus and that she is at peace. And then we'll talk about how much we all love her and tons of us will tell stories of when we were younger and the experiences we had with her. We'll cry. We'll laugh. We'll all be together ... but not until after she dies.

I have never been satisfied with this notion. It really doesn't make any sense to me at all. So I have been intentional about telling loved ones how I feel about them... maybe to the point where they think, "All right, I get it already, you love me. Thank you. Point taken." But I did tell Gramma that I loved her... a lot. And several times I've told her that I am so proud to be one of hers (and Grandpas), that I am grateful for their faithfulness to each other, for being foundational members of our family, for being truthful with me, and for being so dedicated to our family. I just hope I'm not the only one. - Does she know that she is so cherished? Does she know that she shaped my mother who shaped me? Does she know that her marriage was an example? Does she feel appreciated?

I don't know what to do with how I feel right now. This is consuming my mind and while it is not a trivial thing to think on, I have pressing issues that need attention in the very near future. I could really use some wise council.

Busy times

2007-07-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

The busy season is upon us. So I am writing this post to let all of my (5) faithful readers know that it might be a while before I sit down to blog again. I'm pretty sure we'll have 4 or 5 "OFF" days between now and August 27th... and I think those will be Sundays... mostly.

Please, please, no tears.

I shall return.

It's Here!!!

2007-07-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

My new computer arrived yesterday. It's been quite an ordeal to learn. I feel a bit overwhelmed. But I am excited and VERY fortunate to know a couple Mac users who have shown me around.

I am impressed with the way you can open and close programs, the efficiency of internet use and capabilities, the ability to keep track of the blogs I read without surfing for hours, the professional quality documents it creates, the seamless calander program, and the fact that I can go wireless whereever I am. But the thing that sold me on it... the thing that made up my mind about spending ungodly amounts of money and learning a new operating system... digital stickie notes. Did you catch that? DIGITAL STICKIE NOTES!!!! (I know!!)

Thank you Allan for setting me up with some very "elegant" programs and short cuts. Thank you Jessi for the Office:mac download. And thank you Logan for being a gentleman and letting the lady get her mac first.

I would insert a picture of a macbook but I don't know how to do that yet.... but I have a GREAT program for it!!!

So now I'm off to bed. This has been a busy day.

Good night Safari. Good night Finder. Good night Pages. Good night John boy.

On SANGIN'!

2007-07-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking when I was excited about today because everything I thought I was getting into today was NOTHING like I expected. It was better.

I remember a time when my brother and sister and I were much younger. We lived in West Seattle and went to Alki beach (when it was safe to do so) and we played in the water. My sister and I would go out far enough and stand facing the shore so that the waves would wash over us as they came in. We never lost our footing but we could feel the rush of water come up around our shoulders and sometimes around our heads. - That rush of coolness surrounding me... that's what it was like at PUMP today. There was such a "joyful noise" that it just swirled around me...

I have never been made breathless by music before today.

THEN there was the camp we sang at. That just ROCKED. From the parking lot at Cascade to setting up to mic checks to SANGIN' to dinner at Red Robin and all the laughs in between... Thank you AFA, Cherrone, Jason and Ike. What a ride. - THIS is what we moved to Portland for.

Now, off to bed. I have to meet Mac tomorrow.

On Singing

2007-07-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

Singing has always been a part of my life. It just has. Sunday morning, Wednesday night (when I went to a church with a schedule like that), choir in school, choir in college, various singing groups that practiced in the bathroom in Sanders Hall (you know who you are!), at PUMP which is different than any other "church" experience I've had. - And now I get to sing with a group of people called enterPraise as well. Someone calls or emails the group leader, he sends out an email to all singers, they respond and based on the response, Jason takes that group and they go sing at said event. It is an incredible experience for a singer to stand up next to people they haven't talked to or seen much of and put out an incredible praise time.

Why am I writing about this? Because it's such a GOD thing... Oh sure we all have songs in common that we think and sing on from time to time. We all are pretty well rehearsed as quarterly rehearsals go. And we all are people who have been known to sing a few songs well on occassion. But the amazing part is the sound that streams out of the speakers when we start singing "I will call upon the LORD" or "Behold HE comes..." God is just amazing in the way that He brings it all together... because HE does. And every member of the group would probably agree with me. - It's pretty much amazing. And there are a few that are musical geniuses who (as my good friend Steve would say) throw down every time they sing and somehow put our music in a song along side a secular song and it works... well.

Today is one such day of the putting a group together and singing off the cuff. We are going to a camp to kick it off right and I AM STOKED!!! Not only do I get to sing today (twice) but I get to sing with my very good friend Amy and a few other people who have also been known to sing a tune from time to time.

It's gonna be SWEET!!

To Mac or not to Mac?

2007-07-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

I finally did it, and though buyer's remorse is slowly creeping in I am truly happy with my purchase. I ordered a Macbook today. It will be smaller, lighter, more efficient and able to last longer than 36 months without major defects or the blue screen of death.

The down side: I get to learn a new system in the middle of one of the busiest times of the year for our profession.

The up side: My sister, who works for Microsoft, will not disown me. And I know now that it's not "Macintosh" it's "Apple"... and all of the customer service reps speak perfect North American English.

Oh, and I ordered a new printer that does everything except toast bread.

Fasting

2007-07-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Fasting is a spiritual discipline that I have never found the strength to begin. It doesn't seem to me to be optional as far as Jesus is concerned ("When you fast..."). But I have had it in my mind that when you fast you don't eat. That has never been a good idea for me, being hypo-glycemic and prone to headaches. But in discussion with my husband about it he made the comment," You don't have to fast from food... you can fast from whatever gets in the way of a better relationship with God or what hinders you from keeping the 'flesh' in check."

My first thought was, "How could I be so naive?" But my naivety is in direct proportion to my spiritual maturity. That, I think, is why God puts people in our lives to guide us through it (older teaching younger etc. etc.) and encourage us on to a more mature relationship with Christ. For that I am grateful.

I am not sure what my first fast will be from or when I'll do it. And I won't write about it. That's not the point. I just wanted to write about something that is relevant to me at this moment.

Do you fast? Maybe that's too personal of a question. God seems to want us to keep that to ourselves. But in the realm of guidance on the subject... do you have any?

Bragging about the boys

2007-07-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

I've decided to write about the boys on a separate blog. Check out "See Also" to the left and read about them there if you'd like.

THEY ARE SO AMAZING!!

Fire Works

2007-07-05T08:17:00.001-07:00

As we drove home from Life Group last night, while talking about watching fireworks on TV Kevin saw some fireworks burst in the air and squeeled with great joy. Then he got quiet which meant that he fell asleep or was thinking about something. A few minutes later he said, "Dad... why is it called 'works'?"

What a thinker.

Stumped and giving me the "okay, know-it-all, chime in here" look he replied with the standard Dad-doesn't-really-know response, "I guess we'll have to find out."

So my question to you, Why is it called fire "works"?

To Slide Or Not To Slide

2007-07-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

A great milestone has been reached. After months of contemplation and asking permission (always granted) Kevin finally did it. There is a really tall play structure at the school yard near our house which has a very straight and very slick slide attached to it. You know what I'm talking about; the metal, burn-your-legs-if-you-have-shorts-on kind of slide. Like I said, he's been contemplating the slide for months... every time asking for permission which I give him. Some times he would stand on the platform a couple feet back and look at it. Some times he would go up to the edge and look down the slide... and even once before today he sat down at the top and then scooted back and went the other way. But today he must have been feeling like a bit more of a super hero, or maybe it was because he'd warmed up to it just enough but he went down. The first time it looked like he was going to pee his pants. He zoomed off the end, ran a little bit to slow down the momentum and then just looked at me while he tried to catch his breath... And then it happened; the smile of accomplishment.

After that he went down a few more times, each time with the question, "Did you see me Mom? Did you see me?"

That's my boy!

Vacation Bible School

2007-07-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

When I was much younger I was part of a VBS kind of by default. My brother was injured when he fell down some stairs and so we went to stay with some friends who happened to be in the middle of their VBS while my mom and dad took care of him. I don't remember much except going from station to station and that the lessons had to do with the fruits of the spirit. I don't remember having a good time. I remember being worried about my brother. But the friends (the parents) were very kind to my sister and I and our friends whose names I don't remember were nice to us. I am sure my memories would be happier if I wasn't worried about my brother at that time so I don't fault the VBS people. They worked hard and welcomed my sister and I very lovingly. - Fast forward to the week we've all just finished. Most of the people who read this blog experienced PUMP VBS with me and so you will understand it when I say that it was exhaustingly fulfilling. But there's something about working together to teach consentrated lessons to children for five days that causes one to wonder... why are we doing this? I really have struggled on this question. Will the kids remember thier time with us? Will they remember having a good time? What is going on in their lives at home that might cause them to think of this time in a negative way? And equally in a postive way? Are we serving any significant purpose in their lives or are we "doing VBS" for the sake of doing it?

Now let me back up for just a second. There was a group of incredible people who came from Houston Texas to do this for us and with us. They worked very hard to provide this time for us and I don't want to discount their efforts in any way. They are all cherished friends of PUMP. All I am saying is that my experiences, being my only real reference point, are what caused me to ponder our VBS week last week. Is it really worth pre gluing little Jonahs together and staying up until midnight or later to prepare for 20 hours of bible stories and activities? If it is, is it worth it or necessary to do this kind of thing ALL of the time or at the very least for our Sunday bible classes? We are talking about major prep with props, costumes, painted back drops, intricate art projects, and snacks to go along, not to mention the puppet shows, the songs, the T-shirts and transportation for kids who need it.

I certainly don't have the answers to all of these questions. But my point is this; I hope that in all of our efforts the kids like Demarje and Aunika walk away knowing that there are people who love them and more that GOD loves them. And I hope that if it means that we can reach our kids better that we would be committed to props, costumes, practices, intricate art projects and songs for the long haul. And even more than that, I hope that we are committed to think ahead to the day when those kids are not interested in plays, snacks and gluing things together anymore... that we are prepared to teach them about the love of Jesus and his call to them to be disciples.

New Thoughts

2007-06-17T14:35:00.001-07:00

I've realized that my life is patterned. There are particular things that I do on a regular basis; daily, weekly etc. There are people I interact with and people that I miss. There are places that I go, food that I eat and shows that I watch... or not. I decide each day to do these things though it seems to me that not all of those things are enjoyable. - And so I find myself in a redundant and painful circle of thought that has been reoccuring for several years. This is not a daily thing but more of a life pattern. I decide that I'm not happy with myself or my habbits and so I set out to change. "Day one" I say to myself... I think I have counted that about 23 times in my journals over the last 4 years.

Any way, I didn't like my other blog. It was too self centered, and was begun in a time of life when I was very wounded. My wounds have healed and I am able to think outside the proverbial box that I sit in every day. Oddly enough this is the space in which I am able to find the strength and guidance to move forward in Christ and life.

It's nice to be here.

Excuse me while I roll up my sleves...