Again For The First Time

Friday nights are "movie night" at our house. We really like to watch movies together. My boys like watching movies with me because nearly every movie I watch is like watching it for the first time. I say it's my "secret super power". Really it's my secret way to down play how awful my memory is and how embarrassed I feel about it.

I have a friend who tells great stories. He can tell me those stories over and over and I'm as intrigued the 5th time he tells the story as I was the first time he told it. When people say, "Remember that scene on that movie...?" I don't ever know what they are talking about. Remembering conversations, details and music... all of it is very difficult. In fact very recently my awful memory caused us to pay rent late.

I hope that, with my new focus on my health, this will change. I don't know if it will, but I'm hopeful.

I'm just glad that I remembered to make this post.

Back in the Saddle Again

A new adventure awaits us. As we move into 2013 I am keenly aware that there were so many ways that 2012 was not all it could have been. I am determined not to repeat the same frustrations, confusions, heartaches and failures. The beginning is in recognizing that I cannot do it on my own. Without God I can do nothing. But with Him all things are possible. 

I think I'll make posts to this blog again. Since the age of Facebook dawned in my life I haven't taken the time to write anything of real substance, instead choosing to share life in 150 characters or less on snapshots of my day or happenings. But I have a lot to write about. I think it will be helpful in my "self-guided-therapy". But I don't mind sharing it with a fair few people. I just don't care to share everything on Facebook.

I begin with a goal. I've learned a lot about goals from my soon-to-be-former-boss, Alisha. Form a vision, set a goal, identify the method(s)/action items, gather the tools you need, name your fears/myths, bust the myths and get going. 

My goal beginning now (not as a "new year resolution") is to feel confident and strong in my mind, body and spirit. I've set methods, am gathering the tools, named my fears/myths, busted those and am getting started. One such method is this blog. 

I will share this: one of my greatest fears is failure. I've started this before and flopped. I've tried this tons of times and simply forgotten about it. I will loose momentum. It's going to hurt. These are all things that are part of that fear of failure. But I want SO desperately to break out of the cycle of frustration, missed opportunities, heartache and confusion. I will face this fear. With God I can do anything. 

I've shared my goal. I'll spare any readers out there with the methods, tools and fears or myths. But I'll share my myth busters... to keep me thinking about them and maybe offer a little encouragement... 

Failure can only be validated by choosing not to get back up and try again. 

You can make time for anything that really matters to you.

Keeping goals and methods in front of you can help drive momentum.

Cold? Layer up and get moving! 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Big Sky

We went on a road trip! Just the four of us, from Ellensburg, Washington to Bozeman, Montana in August.

Here are a few pictures with more to come...

We had a few REALLY fun car games (thanks to Logan) that made the car ride go by really easily. Both Kevin and Nolan were excellent travelers. They didn't ask, "Are we there yet?" until we were just 2 hours away from Bozeman! So I got to say, "Two more hours!" (that one's for you, Mom and Dad)

We experienced some rain, which was refreshing.

And made it to Montana!!!

Yellowstone National Park was one of the reasons we went. Man, was that day eventful. More about this and other adventures still to come!

Stay tuned or visit the boys' blog in the next couple of days to read about Letterboxing, Kevin's pictures, Nolan's pictures and other stories.

Montana Bound

In two days I will be heading home to my boys. We will leave on Wednesday for a trip to Montana to see what we can see. ~ Logan and I have plans to open a resort lodge and we want to see if it is a place we can envision living and working. And, well, if we are ever going to go, now is the time. The boys start school soon and though we don't have "extra" money we think we can spare a little to make this trip. ~ We've never been on vacation to a destination other than "Gramma and Papa's" or "Nana and Papa's". We've never traveled those roads together or been in the car together for 10 hours. And we've never seen Bozeman or Missoula.

We will get to experience a lot of firsts together and I am VERY excited about that.

The boys will each be armed with a camera so I am excited to see what they think is important to get a snap shot of. We have road trip books for them and scrap books to fill up. We have car games planned and fun stops to make.

I can hardly wait!

Re-entry

I've been wanting to write a new blog post for some time. In fact I commented to a friend this morning that a blog post would be one of my goals for the day. Of course my plans were hijacked by a migraine. So here I sit, staring at a blank post and wonder about what to write about.

If anyone reads this anymore I'll be surprised. I have been sporadic about it.

But I looked back on previous posts on this blog and the boys' blog. I managed to write down some very precious moments and some funny ones too. I've also made my opinion public by way of my blog and have been able to think through some religious things as well.

Well, our family is changing. Life is changing us. And I don't want to forget. So I'll start posting more often here rather than on Facebook. I'll also be posting on the boys' blog too. We are taking a family vacation soon so we want to use their blog to post about the trip. If you're reading this, look there after August 10th.

Checkin' in...

Exactly six months ago I wrote about home being where the heart is. I was preparing to join my family again after being separated for several weeks. It wasn't easy to be away from them, but we did it.

And now we are getting ready to do it again. The boys are moving to Ellensburg and I am staying in Portland to work (and to earn my C.D.A. credential).

See, here's where it could get tricky. There are a lot of really sad things that could bring us down about this, but God is up to something (and I have cried enough already). So while the ideal situation is not our situation, we know that where God is, good things happen.

Where The Heart Is

When I set off for this adventure to Portland without my boys I didn’t know how it would all play out. Grateful for employment in a place where I would be with friends I anticipated being busy with work and social activities and even sort of felt excited to be “on my own” for a while. After all, if this was the way it would be I might as well make the best of it, right?

When I started my job I was “on call” meaning I could work 40 hours in the week or 10 and I would not know which. Thankfully I worked quite a bit, out of necessity for the center but also, I think, because they saw that they’d hired someone who was there to work and work hard. With so many hours at work I was not left with much time to sit idle, a blessing to be sure, because the first weekend away from my boys was very hard. I spent most of the weekend in tears and second-guessed our choice for me to be down there without them.

It is an interesting animal, loneliness. One can be surrounded by friends who are loving, and who you love and still feel lonely. This was a surprise to me. I had never experienced it before and my soul mate, my best friend, was busy taking care of our family in a different state. I couldn’t share it with him. I couldn’t just sit next to him and have him hold me through it. It was an awful feeling.

I’ve been able to go home throughout this experience, which is also a different kind of scenario all together. I remember the first time I went home. I was excited but knew that Logan had established a routine with the boys and I didn’t want to upset that. I was to be a visitor… a temporary presence, in the life of my husband and children… that was difficult to navigate. I didn’t want to rock the boat, but I am their Mom at the same time… It didn’t take long for me to realize that I didn’t fit there. And I didn’t quite fit in Portland without them. Suddenly this grand adventure became a survival experience. And I turned at first in the wrong direction… back to what was familiar before I had a husband and children because that was what I had known. And it was not healthy.

Oh, I didn’t see the bottom of a bottle of Jack or any silly thing like that. But how much does it take to turn one’s heart from God? Not much I imagine and loneliness became the norm. ~ It was so different. So hard. I was living with our dear friends the Russells. No one can ask for a more loving family to be a part of, though there are so many in the PUMP community. I felt welcome, comfortable, useful and loved… yet, lonely. What a paradox.

And one Sunday morning I woke up in prayer. I woke up asking God… Create a clean heart in me. Renew me. Cleanse me. Show me your way, God. This loneliness can’t be from you. This can’t be what you had in mind for me in this time away from my family. I’m yours.

Things changed after that. I became aware of just how much I should have relied on Him all along… I shake my head, thinking I should have known from the start, but Satan has a way of playing his game and I didn’t anticipate him being such a strong player. I am just so grateful that God is bigger and stronger and so forgiving. I am thankful that I can turn back to Him and immediately be next to The One who will fight for me.

My trips home have not been easy. I’m still not sure where I fit in with them yet. Logan is an amazing husband and father. He has a way with the boys that I didn’t recognize before. The boys are even less dependent on me now than they were before I left, which I keep telling myself is a good thing… And I have found a bit of my own way of doing things, found that some independence is satisfying… something I still wonder over whether it is okay or not.

Right now I am house sitting at Cash Mountain. It is beautiful. Quiet. Solitary. I have had a chance to think about the last several weeks while I sit in front of a crackling fire in a comfortable, cozy house. I wonder what the point of all of this has been. What is God up to in this? Well, this is what I know…

Jesus is still the most perfect man to have lived. His life and sacrifice are perfect partners because without one the other is pointless. The two together offer a kind of peace that is beyond human understanding. That this is freely offered to the world, to me, is unfathomable and it draws me to want to be everything He wants me to be. There is no loneliness when one stands in His peace.

I need Logan like a shadow needs light. I can be with the best of friends and have a good time, but I am only half as much as I can be without him next to me, in my life, every day. God has made us one flesh and I need to be next to him. This I would not have fully recognized without this time apart.

Our children will become more and more independent of us. So, we need to show them how important it is to be dependant on God, His grace and His peace. Every day.

On Christmas Eve I will go home for the last time. I have a one-way train ticket that pulls out of Portland at 8:30 that morning. We’ll spend Christmas together and every day after that. ~ That is eleven days away and I can hardly wait!

We’ll find a new normal in Portland, I’m sure. Many things will be different. Some things will be the same. I will still have a loving husband and wonderful children (and a cute dog). God will still be forgiving and faithful.

Everything else… is just details.