Some months in review...

October, 2008

We played in a huge pile of leaves right outside our apartment.

Nolan turned 4 on November 9th. Kevin turned 6 on November 16th. For both we had a small party at home with some of the boys' student-friends. It was fun to see everyone watch "Kung Fu Panda" and "Star Wars" and visit with the boys.

We had Thanksgiving at my Mom and Dad's house, and set up some Christmas decor to take some pictures for cards. It was so nice to spend time with the family. There was a LOT of laughter and good time together.

Kevin...

... and Nolan fell in love with Light Brite at Gramma and Papa's house.

We added a little one to our family.

This is Chukha (chooka).

And played in the snow a LOT.

We got to spend Christmas with Grammi, which was a lot of fun too.

And, this is my favorite picture right now.

Not pictured here are the events of the last few weeks: helping friends move into their new house, shopping (yes, I said shopping), time with good friends and the transformation that PUMP is under, along with other events on campus and in the Portland area. I hope to blog more soon, but life is busy.

There are several drafts in my dashboard about various things that I want to formulate and post, but life is busy and my connection is slow so the motivation to sit and wait for pictures to upload or spending the time at the computer to get it all written down is just not there. 

Since I posted last there are several events that have taken place that have struck my heart or my mind in a way that causes me to feel differently about people and places. Even my self image and esteem have changed in ways that is difficult to express. Work is different, church is different, changing and exciting, home is steady and peaceful and health is tumultuous at best. 

Through all of it there is a truth that never ceases to prove itself over and over again: Jesus Christ is the Messiah, my Savior, the one perfect man that I can count on... the one the men in my life try to be like, the one my sons learn about, the one I lean so heavily upon. God has always and will always provide for our family... in a way that carries no monetary value... which I think is the kind of provision He wants us to be focused on.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer.

Lydia's Sisters

I am contributing to a new blog designed to be an online bible study tool for women. It's called "Lydia's Sisters". 

Check it out. 

A moment with Fiona...

"What cha doin'?" Fiona asked me this morning.

"I'm cleaning up," I reply.

"No, what cha doin' in a pinsess 'ess?" she asks pointing to our wedding photo with her cute little lithp.

I pick her up to get a closer look.

"Oh!.. A pitty pinsess 'ess!" she says, "What's this?"

"That is the day Mr. Logan and I got married. We belong to each other."

"Who is that?" she asks pointing to a two year old Kaytlyn, now 10.

"That is 'Tata', Kevin and Nolan's cousin. And that is Caden, our friend."

"Tata... Caden... that's your Logan."

"That's my Logan."

"Pitty dess."

"Thank you."

"'eckom"

Thank you, my sweet Fiona, for sharing a moment in memories with me. I was a princess that day... and still feel like a princess. My prince... my Logan... is the love of my life... my knight. 

Lord, bless our little girls as they grow... that they may become women of faith and faithfulness... that their knights may be servants of the one true King... that they would find bliss in belonging to each other... and you.

Cascade

I have debated about writing about the recent news from Cascade. Blogs and comment boards everywhere in our community are saturated with reactions to the news. It is true, some people are not bitter, but so many are and it makes me sad.

I hear words of anger, disbelief, mistrust and misunderstanding. I want to say, "But if you only knew..." and explain how hard it was to watch men who could barely speak through their tears when they told staff and faculty, to see the broken hearts and hear the explanation of how the pain-staking decision was made. I want to tell people that this terminal diagnosis has been delayed because remarkable and loving people have been performing financial CPR on a situation that began to give out years ago... that telling churches in the area about the difficulty would not really have helped... not in the long run. 

I feel hurt when I hear people say how angry they are... as if anyone had any other possible choice to make... I want to say that it would be like dumping money into trying to fix a car except the only parts you can find are the wrong parts. But you are determined to keep it running because it used to be your best friend's car and so you spend money... on the wrong parts. - It feels like they are angry at people like me, who have accepted this end, even though it is so sad. I am made to feel like some sort of traitor because I don't intend to jump on the "Save-Our-School" band wagon. - That is hurtful. And so I walk away... because I don't think they would hear me anyway.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, 

along with every form of malice."

Ephesians 4:31

I feel ashamed when I hear brothers and sisters in Christ using defeatist and hateful words . How in the world can we pretend to know what it was like in that board room, sitting among a group of people who wanted to see Cascade survive... knowing that there was only one choice to make... but no one wanted to make it? How can you assume the people who made those decisions are cold and pious people? 

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen."

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) 

That Cascade is closing its doors is sad, this is certain. The ripple effect will be far reaching. Things will not be the same. - But to say that God's kingdom will be considerably and negatively affected by it is both faulty thinking and shameful. The Lord will not see His people lost in this. 

"Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

Hebrews 13: 7&8

"Everyone grieves differently," my friend says. She is right. And people are grieving. I understand this. 

And so I make one request, to those who are grieving, who are peaceful, who are angry, who are hurt, who are searching for answers or making decisions about jobs and schools...

Please, please do not forget what we are and who we stand for.

Back on track

There isn't a limp in my walk any more. In fact I remember the day I noticed that I wasn't limping, walking confidently and  without pain. It was a pretty emotional realization and I shared it with Suzy and Logan, tears and all. That was at the beginning of the summer... in late June. I had been working out 5 days a week for about 8 weeks or so. 

Now more than 30 weeks into my work outs, even with some off weeks and screwy weeks I still do not limp. This is the goal that I began working out for. I was angry with the doctors for not being able to even name the pain I had been suffering with since Kevin was born, and decided to take it into my own hands. This is something I have realized I should have done several years before, but just wasn't in that place of personal honesty - to tell myself I could actually do something about how I was feeling and that I didn't need to rely on doctors to fix it. 

There was no magic pill. And there still isn't.

So my hip is doing 100% better. With regular exercise and good stretching I have hip-pain-free days. So what's the problem here? More than 30 weeks in and I am gaining weight?! I spent the last couple of days feeling sorry for myself about this and pondering how I've gotten so far off track. But now I'm just plain irritated. I think a medicine that I am taking to ward off Fibromyalgia pain is contributing to the weight gain, but I'm also rather sure that lack of consistent calorie counting and exercise is also contributing to it. So, once again, I take my life in my own hands (and sharing life-changing-motivation with Kristi) I will do something about it.

The God-factor in this should not be ignored. About 12 weeks in on this adventure I was doing great, I was super committed and strengthened each day with the belief that God was all wrapped up in my success. Well, I still believe God is all wrapped up in this. I am the one that has lost focus. And so once again I lift my head up and see that He is there, waiting for me to follow him on this path again. 

I love you Lord; you are my strength. 

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;

my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my strong hold.

part of Psalm 18

An Old Friend

I scampered up the little metal steps excitedly and there she was, washing dishes. The sound of the water pump whirring and the clank of the metal sink with the utensils was comfortingly familiar. Directly to my right, the carpeted steps up to the bed. In front of me, the cream and brown striped couch-bed. To my left, the kitchen fit for one person with a table and two cushiony bench seats set for four. Out of the miniature refrigerator/freezer came the ice cream, chocolate sauce and freshly ground walnuts. The perfect treat for "a break". The whole place smelled like their home on Orchard Avenue in Grand Junction. They had brought their home to us, for a visit and most excitedly, a sleep over. 

After our break I knitted with her and followed him around. There were wash cloths to make or sweaters to finish and leveling to do, anchoring to put into place or a truck to turn around... and around... and around. And after all of that and dinner we would fold down the couch-bed and get ready for the sleep over... of course, after we watched "Dallas".

Then my old friend would appear, soft and snugly, smelling of fabric softener mixed with their home. Memories and feelings would flood my mind and my heart and I would feel that peaceful contentedness. Being with family, being warm, being comfortable.

That was so long ago... 

I remember sleep overs as young as 5 years old... and my friend was there with me every time. So when they were no more and new places were found for the things from their home, I took my friend to live with me and until yesterday it was with me in my home... through moves, new life, life lost, life lived and remembered I have had my friend by my side. A comfort really, nothing extravagant or extraordinary... just comfort. 

But my old friend is worn and weary. I have loved all of the comfort out of it and it is beginning to come apart. So I have washed it and folded it and tucked it away in a place of rest and protection so that it doesn't fade away completely. - I have been surprisingly emotional about putting my old friend away. It has wrapped my shoulders in warmth and security in many different things in life, provided comfort in it's silky folds and even comfort to ill babies... because it smelled of fabric softener and home. 

I'm sure I will take it out from time to time... to remember life lived, loved and lost... to think about Grandmother and Grandpa, the home they brought to us, and the memories we shared... remembering and missing... and loving. In silky peace and comfort and warmth.