Writing this on my heart...

"Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life.

Put away perversity from your mouth

keep corupt talk far from your lips.

Let your eyes look straight ahead,

fix your gaze directly before you.

Make level paths for your feet

and take only ways that are firm.

Do not swerve to the right or the left;

keep your foot from evil."

Proverbs 4: 23-27

The Wall

For about the past two and a half years I have been blessed with my job, the struggles that come and go with it, the home that comes with it and the task of keeping the family "together" in the process. I've been able to, with some measure of success, been able to find my groove. Home school with the boys has been difficult to get comfortable with, though the idea has been exciting the direction has been hard to find. That's been resolved and now we begin a new curriculum that I think will benefit all who reside in our home. Work has had its challenges though it's been an incredible blessing. There is something new nearly every day that I thank my LORD for. He is so faithful to guide me through it's challenges and I praise his name for the triumphs. But this was not always so. Our time here in Portland has been a long road with unforseeable forks in our path and I have not always seen God's leading in it. So my relationship with him has been tomultuous at best. One thing that I've had to learn to do is to quiet my mind without a quiet place to be. Our bedroom consisted of three walls and a curtain on the other side of which was our living room. When someone entered our home they entered my bedroom and in some small way I felt invaded upon though my heart has been in welcoming people and their intention I believe has not been on invasion of my space. It has been something I have prayed about, saying, "Lord please, I just need some privacy." But until now I believe I had a lesson to learn. And though I can't quite put it into the right words I think it has something to do with finding God no matter where I am and like I said; quieting my mind without a quiet place to be.

Along this part of my journey I've been blessed with a book series by Francine Rivers that has opened my eyes to the touchable God that has made my heart his dwelling place. I don't remember a time when I have been so open to His leading, hungry for His words, and humble before him as my King.

And now, it seems in completion of this lesson, I have a private place. I now have a bedroom with four walls, a door, and a knob that locks. I have a quiet place where I can be still and be alone or with Logan... or with God. And I am grateful. I tell Him silently whenever I go into my room and close the door, or when I look at the new wall contemplating the pictures that could go there. I am grateful. I am so very grateful.

So forgive me if I am tearful as I proclaim the excitement in my heart at a few pieces of wood, some dry wall and paint. It serves as a physical reminder of something I longed for and found before it was built.

My Hands

I sat one day and caught a glimpse of my hands. For some reason my mind lingered on the look of them and their origin. I thought about my parents. The inside of my hands look like my mothers... soft yet determined... I remembered the way she ran her fingers through my hair as a child and again as I delivered Kevin... so comforting. I can picture her hands as she arranges flowers or fiddles with beads. She has perfect nails and pretty, slim fingers. I remember when she scolded me in jest or in earnest and held me at my first broken heart. Looking at the inside of my hands I hear her words echo the day she spoke to me just before my wedding, "...always be sweet..." I remember days I would stroll into the flower shop she worked in when we lived in Seattle and see her working so hard. Then she'd come home and cook dinner and do whatever else she did at the time... I'm sorry I didn't notice those things enough to be as grateful as I am now.

The outside of my hands look much like my Dad's. The way the skin wrinkles in the same places, the formation of my nails. I remember studying his hands as he worked on cars we had or installed shelving or washed the dishes. I remember him holding me as a child, rocking as he read the paper. I can picture his wedding ring... I remember splitting wood with him, packing the car for road trips. I can picture his hand on the wheel, his thumb tapping to the music. I love watching him lead singing, seeing his hands hold the song book... or walking into his office and seeing him finger through his bible. I remember when we were crossing a busy street. We thought we had enough time but when he saw that I wasn't beside hime, he swiftly grabbed me and saved my life. His hands caught me when I slipped on rocks at Deception Pass. They catch me now when my heart slips and I need his hands to hold me.

I have felt overwhelmingly grateful for my parents in the recent months. That's not to say that I've just now begun to feel grateful, I believe I told my mom she was right about everything several years ago... but lately I've been thinking a lot and they keep coming up in my mind. Now they are coming up on 32 years of marriage. That's pretty impressive to me.

So as I looked at my hands the other day I prayed that the Lord would forgive me of the unkind things I think and do to guide me on the right path and help me to be soft yet determined, strong and faithful.

A Voice in the Wind

My heart is swimming with true emotion having finished "A Voice in the Wind" by Francene Rivers. This is not a book review, this is a plea... read this book. But I caution you... it may cause you to open your heart to the voice of God... and that could change your life.

Loathsome Shopping

I walked into Fred Meyer this afternoon with the intention to return/exchange a gift. As I approached the exchange/return line a wierd feeling welled up in the pit of my stomach... I knew it would take longer to stand in line than make my bed and I already loathed the idea of what I had to do next. I had to shop. Never the less, with my store credit in hand I headed to the aisle where I thought I would find a suitable replacement for the thoughtful yet not-quite-right gift. No dice. What I was looking for was in stock but on sale cost much more than I was willing to "spend" as maybe my gifter thought (and rightfully so). So as I walked down the aisle I noticed that said gift was refunded to me at the sale price, an entire ten dollars less than full price. ~ Feeling the sting of a return gone wrong I began to wander. Some of you out there might call it shopping. I call it much worse, but I will remain G rated. ~ After talking on my phone for a short time and looking in the "organize-it" section I headed off to the only section in a store I don't feel the pangs of anxiety sweep over me. Comfortably "wandering" the office supply section I selected some things for a venture I'm set to begin in the next couple of days. Then I went back to the fore-mentioned section only to wander with panic beginning to creep up my back... I must go home with a replacement. ~ Again, no dice. Where the heck would "they" put that thing any way? ... One more time around the section and I found a suitable replacement, all the while cussing the store manager for putting said replacement in such a ridiculous place. ~ Don't they know I hate to shop?~ And so I headed to check out and picked a line I thought would be easily navigated and scarcely populated. I was right on the lack of consumer presence, but I neglected to calculate the lack of intelligence behind the register. Trying to stifle the annoyance eminating from my face I looked around the area not caring really about what I was looking at, just trying to be kind to the poor dear who probably started at her job this morning... it would be sad to think anything else. Sadder even that I had to remind her to wring up said replacement worth $40.00 that I probably could have walked out of the store without paying for.

I hate shopping.

I went home with the needed items, happy most of all that I was able to purchase several things from the office supply section (without guilt) though no post it notes on this trip. ~ Never the less my husband is grateful to have a wife that would rather not shop and my sister is happy to give me tips when I do actually go get a pair of jeans or a shirt or something like that.

For now, I'll just stay right here.

Christmas Get to Know Ya

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper and bows

2. Real tree or artificial? Artificial... Real trees make my hands break out when I decorate.

3. When do you put up the tree? This year is the first year we've decorated since we moved to Portland. I had Logan in storage before Thanksgiving to get the decorations out. I promise to wait longer next year.

4. When do you take down the tree? Probably the weekend after Christmas this year.

5. Do you like egg-nog? I'm with Kristi - Blek!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My Little Pony Castle and Ponies.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yep.

8. Hardest person to buy for? I love giving gifts... but that means I have to go shopping...

9. Easiest person to buy for? Again with the shopping...

10. Worst gift you ever received? Perfume.

11. Favorite Christmas movie? White Christmas: Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney...

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Again with the shopping!!

13. Have you ever recycled a present? No.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Mom's Turkey Dinner, Mother-in-law's Pican Pie

15. Clear or colored lights on tree? Colored around the trunk, clear around the branches. Try it... it's beautiful.

16. Favorite Christmas song? What Child Is This...

17. Travel or stay home? At home this year.

18. Can you name all of the reindeer? Um...probably...

19. What is on top of your tree? An angel.

20. When do you open presents? One on Christmas Eve, the rest on Christmas... a tradition from both our families we love to do with our boys.

21. Most annoying thing this time of year? Rude people in stores.

22. Favorite ornament theme? No theme

23. Favorite food for Christmas dinner? Turkey Dinner...mmmm... gravy...

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I wouldn't dare inflict the task of shopping on my behalf upon someone else.

It's probably too late to tag anyone else... but if you want to post please do.

I READ!!

I did it! I read a whole book... the whole thing! Cover to cover... front to back.

I don't know how to paste a picture of the book on my blog. (I'll have to read up on how to do that!) But the book is called, "Total Money Makover" by Dave Ramsey. Not a romantic selection for my first book in ten years but a good on none the less. I won't clog the blog by giving a review of it (yet) but I just had to post this as soon as I got done with it.

Having felt accademically incapable and inadequate for so long this is quite an accomplishment for me. And it's just the beginning.

Now, "YOU on a Diet" by Dr. Oz. Both books are gifts from my mom. What a wonderful woman! She tried to get me to love books when I was young(er). And in her desire to continue to help me on my journey she's given me books that I think (she knows) are helpful to say the very least. ~ She's always known just what I need. ~

So in my triumph, with the camera trained on my close up, and the whole world watching I say, "Thanks Mom!!"